The Mother/Daughter Facebook Contract

My mother is now on Facebook, and we agreed right from the start not to be Facebook friends. I talk to my mom at least once a day on the phone and share with her literally every detail of my life. ("Hear that noise, mom? Yeah, I'm peeing. Wow, I must have had a lot of cranberry juice today!") But it seemed like Facebook could be the one place where the line was drawn: mother from daughter. It could be the one realm I have to my own, kind of like a "Dear Diary" Teen-Hangout, if that makes any sense.

But I started to wonder if it was really that big of a deal. My Facebook profile is actually pretty boring, and lots of stuff in the Personal Information section would make my mother proud:

You may think the photo section might be dicey, but I avoided cameras all throughout college and there is only one picture even close to inappropriate -- I'm flicking off the camera -- and she is in it.

As for the wall situation, I don't have any friends posting things like "HEY LAUREN THANKS FOR THE RIM JOB LAST NIGHT" or "HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT FOR THE COCAINE?" so I don't think I have to worry about some unknown dark side being exposed.

So what would be the big deal, really?

I'll tell you what's the big deal. If my mom is my Facebook friend, she will look at my profile for hours a day with painstaking scrutiny. She will check it more than I do, or anyone else does. She will learn things about me that I didn't even know. I can hear it now: "Lauren, you have had a lot of posts from guys on your wall. Are you turning into one of those guy's girl bitches who has to worry about getting gang banged?" She might not say it like that, but I'll start worrying about it, anyway. Or "Lauren, 82% of your photos you're glaring at the camera. I think you need to have a better attitude." I can't actually hear her saying that, either. My mama gave me my attitude. But you know what I mean. I don't want to start learning these things about myself. I don't want someone looking at my life closer than I do.

If I do agree to befriend my mom, we are going to have to lay out some ground rules. In fact, I believe a contract might be in order. I'm drafting one now:

This Partnership Agreement is made on June 18, 2009 between Cheri Passell and Lauren Passell.

1. WTF This is All About
The parties hereby form a partnership to uphold a respectful Facebook friendship.

2. Limited Access
It is understood that as soon as either party figures out how to adjust her privacy settings, she will do so, thereby allowing limited access to the other Facebook friend.

3. Term
The partnership shall begin on July 18, 2009, and shall continue until the rules are breached or one of the Facebook friends changes their minds.

4. Time Spent Looking at Profiles
The parties involved are entitled to look at their friend's profile once a day for 5 minutes.
o The five minutes can be at any time and can be split up if needed.
o This excludes Saturdays and Sundays.

5. Wall Etiquette
All wall posts must be submitted via private message to await approval. Topics of wall posts are limited to: "I just put your check in the mail," "I just bought you a new outfit," and "I'm taking you to Rome."
o Also allowed: funny stories about my father, and, yes, cute things my cats did that day.

6. Photo Tagging
Photos must be approved by the other party before being tagged.
o No photos from bathtime in 1987 or the awkward years of my youth spanning from 1992 - 1998.

7. Arbitration
In the instance of controversy or claim arising out of or relating to this Agreement, or the breach hereof, the friendship will be immediately revoked. The friendship will also be immediately revoked whenever Lauren feels like it. This should keep you on your toes, Mom.

Executed this ______________ day of _________________, 2009 in Hudson, Ohio.

________________________
Signature of Party 1
________________________
Signature of Party 2

Am I forgetting anything here? Anything to add to the contract? I'm serious. Is there some horrible thing I'm forgetting that could happen if I let my mom into my Facebook realm?