Hello. My Name is: Sister Margherita Jr.

I have always said that if nuns were permitted to have sex, I would join the sisterhood, and I stand by that comment. They're allowed to drink, and I've always thought living the life of a nun would be pretty dreamy. I'm picturing a tightly knit group of women who follow Jesus' example of peace and love, do good deeds and discuss Theology. One of my very smart friends who is always proving me wrong insists that I am over-romanticizing a nun's life. "They're probably just a bunch of lesbians who grew up in religious households and don't know what to do with themselves," she said. "I bet they don't even get along." She may have a point, but I think if nuns were allowed to have sex, this probably would be solved.

The reason I reached out to Sister Margherita was not that I wanted a guru to guide me in a path toward nun-dom. I just love talking about religion, and I'm constantly trying to figure out what I can salvage from Catholicism, a religion that I love and adhere to, albeit with many reservations. A friend from Ohio knows Sister Margherita and suggested I meet with her, so I sent her an e-mail.

That was a mistake. She asked for my phone number and started calling me every morning and e-mailing me several times a day. Her daily voice mail at 8:30 AM was always the same: (I wish I could call you right now and let you hear my Sister Margherita impression -- after hearing about thirty of her voicemails I really have her raspy, New Jersey accent nailed):

Lauren. It's Sister Margherita. I'm 87 ½. I'm getting old and I need someone to replace me. I think you are the one. I'm gonna die soon if you don't call me. God Bless You, Sister Margherita.

Woah, there cowboy, I tried to explain in nun-friendly language. I am not "the one." I don't want to be a nun. I just want to talk about Catholicism. Question number one: Recently, my friend who lives in a convent (LONG STORY) had a slumber party, and we stumbled upon this strange contraption in the living quarters:

What is this thing? Nuns are not supposed to masturbate, so I'm just not going to say what I think this is. I'm trying to get as many Heaven Points as possible. (Negative 10 Heaven Points for writing about this in the first place; Plus 12 Heaven Points for not mentioning aloud that this looks like a nun dildo.)

Anyway, as we all know, sometimes deeply religious people cannot be reasoned with. They can become convinced they are dealing with a higher power and earthly rules do not apply. So Sister M likely thought I was a gift to her from God, and saw me stepping in to become Sister Margherita Jr. just as she was about to retire. (She was 87 1/2, she kept on reminding me. BTW -- who, other than 4 1/2 year olds, counts their ages in halves?)

She has sent me about nine books (including one that she wrote) about entering the Sisterhood and she keeps on inviting me to these weekend long religious retreats. I eventually started lying and saying, "oh shucks, I already am going to another religious retreat that weekend. I'm booked up for the whole year!" (I'm fully aware that this is not the right thing to do.)

This led to the age old question, that I'm sure we've all grappled with: how do you break up with a nun? It's not you, Sister Margherita, it's me. I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now. I'm just not that into you.

My mom suggested that I just show Sister Margherita my true colors.

"Why don't you just go on one of your rants about how Mary was not a virgin or give her your Jesus/Charles Manson comparison," she suggested.

"Good idea," I said.

"Or tell her how much you drink."

"Okay, yeah I see where you're going with this."

"Or meet her, and wear one of your slutty outfits."

"Okay, mom, I get it."

"Just be yourself."

"OKAY."

The e-mails have slowed down, but I recently got a request from Sister Margherita from a social networking site that allows people to share their e-mail address books with each other. A few things about this:

1) When did Sister M get to tech savvy? Last time we talked, I think she thought that e-mail was like AIM, because she would send me a new e-mail every six minutes saying, "where are you?"

2) Why does she want access to my address book? I can only assume she's going to try to contact and brainwash all of my friends and family into believing that I am "the one" and to help me admit defeat and accept my fate as Sister Margherita Jr.

3) I do not want access to Sister Margherita's address book.

4) Why on earth would I agree to doing this?

Questions for you: how do I break up with a nun, and what is this thing? Also, if you get an e-mail from Sister M implying that I am nun material, ignore it. She is wrong. Also, raise your hand if you think all of this means I'm going to hell. If you did not raise your hand, what religion are you, and may I join that religion?