A letter from Gettysburg College

As a very important, monocle-and-top-hat-wearing college graduate, my alma mater keeps in frequent, mostly-unwanted contact with me about very important matters. And by "matters," I of course mean "donations to the college." Here is one such email, with my responses in italics:


Dear Dave,

Yes?

With a few days of spring-like temperatures here and there, we are itching for the warmer weather to stay. Personally, I am sick of the New England snow and wind!

Um...I'm sorry? I hope you don't live in Maine, because you'll be begging for a mid-June blizzard when all those black flies show up.

This time of year also reminds us of two things at Gettysburg.

No, it doesn't.

First, our memories of playing waffle ball

Our what now?

and passing the Frisbee around on Stine Lake, doing homework outside on the steps of the library, walking to classes and watching the lacrosse games among other activities.

Dude, the only things I did in college were masturbate and host a radio show, often simultaneously. You did intend this for Dave *Kiefaber*, right?

Predictably, that’s what the current students are doing on their warm days at Gettysburg.

You forgot sunbathing. See above note concerning masturbation. Now get to the point already.

Second, it reminds me, as your Class Agent and alum of Gettysburg, that the College’s fund year is almost over.

I KNEW IT.

The Gettysburg Fund is vital to providing the continued opportunities we all experienced while on campus. Please consider a gift of $25 towards the Gettysburg Fund to help current students and our class make an impact. Click Here to make your gift online. Your participation is important to me and the College.

Important to you how, exactly? Will you get a cookie if your half-hearted attempt at familiarity works and I donate to the college? Seriously, you could have tried a little harder to win my confidence. That we both know where Stine Lake is and hate the way Servo overcooks their pasta doesn't make us friends, so maybe go beyond generic bullshit the next time you try to extract more blood for the blood god.

Please let me know if you have any questions or if you have any updates you’d like to share.

Eat a dick.

Best,

[names withheld]