Dear Dave,For the love of God and sunny Jesus, WHAT? Out with it. You're interrupting pornography.
Individuals and institutions, alike,
Too many commas; "alike" is not a separate clause, bubba.
faced extraordinary challenges over the last year, and Gettysburg College is hardly immune from the realities of today’s economy.
Why is it that every time I get a letter from the college, I hear change rattling in a tin cup?
Now, more than ever, the College relies on your support to ensure our students receive the same outstanding Gettysburg experience you enjoyed.
You mean the one no one ever mentions aloud because they're too busy reminiscing about "waffle ball" or building unnecessary exercise facilities? Come on now. If you're going to jerk me off, at least spit on your hand first.
With less than a week until the close of this Gettysburg College fund year on May 31, we ask you to consider your circumstances. If you can help the College, won’t you please make a gift to the Gettysburg Fund?
I'm as broke as I was the last time you asked me for money - you know, A MONTH AGO - so no.
If you choose to make a gift, please go online to our secure online giving website or mail your gift (to count in the 2009 fund year, it needs to be postmarked on or before May 31) to the address below.
If you have already mailed your gift, let me be the first to say “Thank you” for all you do for our College.
Not for nothing, but if I ever do give you people any money, I only accept gratitude in the form of memorial plaques. Wood frame too, nothing tacky. Precocious brilliance like mine requires old world craftsmanship, you goddamned artless Philistines.
I hope that as advocates for Gettysburg, we can help the College meet current challenges and move on to the future with great momentum.
Sincerely,
Oh, that's another thing. I also demand that any and all correspondence from the college concerning alumni donations includes the phrase, "more blood for the blood god."
[name withheld]
Asshole.
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