What Kind Of Dweeb Doesn't Swear?

When I heard that McKay Hatch started a National No Cussing Club, I thought 2 things: 1. This boy is confusing, he has two last names and 2. What kind of dweeb starts a No Cussing Club?

Now I was a huge dork when I was Mr. Hatch's age. Or Mr. McKay's age. Or whatever. But not in this lame-ass way. I wore kangol hats and suspenders to school every day. I watched Alice's Adventures in Wonderland when I was entirely too old to be doing so. I tripped over things a lot. I definitely thought swearing was cool -- it was the language of my grandparents, my parents, and me. One of the first times I stringed together a sentence, I was sitting in my high-chair while my mother was throwing a dinner party and I said, "What the hell is this, chicken?" I believe swearing is a beautiful use of the English language. How good does it feel to say MOTHER FUCKER!!!? Everyone has their profanity of choice. (My mom's is "ass-wipe.) And now we know that swearing at work is GOOD FOR EVERYONE.

But come on. What kind of nerd admits "A lot of kids at my school, and some of my friends, would cuss and use dirty language all the time. They did it so much, they didn't even realize they were doing it. It bothered me so much that one day I challenged them to stop!" This kid needs a good old fashioned Swirlie. Or Awful Waffle. And what kind of nerd does makes a no cussing rap video?

But then I started thinking this McKay kid might have a point. When little kids swear, it definitely sounds lame-ass. You have to fight for your right to swear. It's like a right you earn for putting up with a bunch of bullshit that you wanted to swear about your whole life but couldn't cause you were only a kid (like indoor recess and yogurt in your lunch box). The kid was talking on the news, and I was thinking, he sounds so mature, so adult. I felt like he probably had a lot to say about the Palestine/Israeli conflict or something. Very articulate kid.

So a message to Hatch: I'm sorry I poo-pooed you, you goddam son of a bitch. Easy on the swears for now, it will get you far. But once you get to be older, it doesn't really matter. (You might also get looser on other such items such as drinking, drugs, and sex, and life will be more fun.)

Oh, blissful youth!