The Bible Is Effing Hilarious: 4 Reasons Jonah Was a Dumbass

Everyone knows the story of Jonah and the whale -- at least the beginning part. I know that the only part I could remember from Sunday school was the part about him being swallowed by a whale. I always thought it was about how powerful God is and if he wants to give you a message you can't escape it. I didn't really think about the context of the store or wtf was going on, and also, my careless/neglective Sunday School teachers forgot to mention the best part of the story.

First of all, what was Jonah doing when he was on the ship, before he was thrown into the sea by his sailing mates? He was running away from God because God wanted him to go to war in Nineveh (which ironically enough is located in modern day Iraq). Here is reason #1 that Jonah is a dumbass: he thinks by getting on a ship he can hide from GOD and he won't have to go to war. This isn't Vietnam, and you're not in Canada, Jonah. In the olden days, God doesn't get you get away with this shit (not in THIS life, anyway!)

It gets better. The sea starts getting all tumultuous and the sailors are all like, "wtf is going on!?" Reason #2: Jonah takes a fucking NAP. That's like exactly what toddlers do when their moms are all like "who pooped in the refrigerator?" (Totally hypothetical.)

But the sea captain wasn't born yesterday. He wakes Jonah up and realizes that he is the reason the Lord is shaking the hell out of his ship. So they throw Jonah off.

Here is the segment of the story we all know -- Jonah is swallowed by a whale. I think it's important to reexamine it though, because if you actually read the text, you will see that the fish (it doesn't say whale, actually) is sent to save Jonah. So God is really fucking with Jonah, here.

Jonah finally gets to Nineveh and warns everyone that God is about to smite them. The people actually believe him and repent, so (much to Jonahs' surprise) God forgives the whole city. Reason #3: Jonah gets pissed at God for saving Nineveh. This is hilarious, because he doesn’t care about the Ninevehites at all. He's only angry because he ends up looking like a huge dumbass. ("That's the last time we listen to your prophecies of doom!")

I'm NOT DONE YET! Next God sends Jonah to the desert and gives him a plant to protect him from the sun. Since God has been screwing with Jonah this whole time, we shouldn't be surprised that He kills the plant. Reason #4: Jonah FREAKS out and whines and threatens to commit suicide because he is so upset that his plant died. What a drama queen! God responds, saying, "You cared about the plant, which you did not work for and which you did not grow, which appeared overnight and perished overnight. And should not I care about Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons?"

This is the part we realize what a moron Jonah is, but that there is a little of Jonah in each-and-every-one-of-us. We're all whiny little bitches -- draft-evading, selfish, idiotic dramatic whiny bitches.

And that is why I love this story.

Now tell me: did you guys all know about the awesomeness of this story before now?