Disclaimer: The following list does not necessarily reflect the point of view of Eric, with the exception of Number Nineteen. Everyone in the universe agrees With Number Nineteen.
1) That poor Trix Rabbit gets fucked over again, when all he wants is, innocently enough, is to enjoy the breakfast goods that exploit his image in advertising.
2) Yogurt: are you a liquid or a solid? Please make up your mind and then get back to me.
3) It's Unpleasantly Slimy.
4) Probiotic Bullshit. Companies like Dannon have already gotten sued for making fake probiotic claims.5) I don't take orders from Jaime Lee Curtis. Also the Activia song makes me want to die.
6) Did someone actually get paid for coming up with Yoplait's slogan "It's just so good"? How did that slip through the cracks? (After hearing it, my immediate response is just a flat, "no it's not," and then I move on, my anti-yogurt stance unwavering.)
8) It's too sweet. I cringe.
9) Shitty flavors. It's always the same old artificial blueberry, strawberry, etc. that never taste like blueberry, strawberry, etc. Why don't they make some that taste like lasagna or a Dirty Martini?
10) Eating yogurt is just depressing, unless you don't have teeth. So, like, babies can eat it, fine. And old people. But if you are hip at all, grab life by the balls and put down the yogurt.
11) It's too complicated and instills fear in me. Those Activia commercials have me scared out of my mind, with all those flying arrows and exploding stomachs.
12) It's definitely labeled a "woman's food", which makes me want to hate it more.
13) The publishers I work for claim in a highly sensitive and top secret document that "kids have aversions to yogurt because they suspect it might be healthy." I disagree with this statement. You can get kids to eat anything and they almost never have a problem with yogurt. They're not like, "WAIT A SECOND, MOM. I CAN SMELL THE PROBIOTICS." Kids don't care. But reading it made me think about how much I hate yogurt in the first place.
14) Yogurt does not taste good on pizza or in alcohol. So really, what's the point?
15) If left unrefrigerated, yogurt sucks even more.
16) Your mom may or may not have packed it in your lunch box every goddam day for 8 years throughout grade school and now you're sick of it.
17) Your host family when you studied abroad in Florence (who didn't understand the eating habits of Americans) may or may not have found out that your roommate liked yogurt and may or may not have bought entire crates of it, forcing it on you as meal replacements for actual cooked meals. Also, Italian yogurt may or may not suck even worse than unrefrigerated American yogurt (this has something to do with the fact that Italians actually know what good food tastes like, so they don't EAT yogurt) and I question the amount of viable probiotics in European yogurt, anyway.
18) Yogurt requires no effort on the behalf of the consumer. You might as well just blast it down your throat in tubes, or inject it the next time you're shooing up heroin. A good food requires some chewing, it requires you to work for it's love.
19) GO-GURT is Ridiculous. As Ellen Deneneres so aptly put,
"GO-GURT is for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really? [pretending to be on the phone:] "Hello?...Oh, hi, Tom...oh, I've been dying to see that movie...Umm, no...I just opened up some yogurt...Yeah, I'm in for the night...No, not even later-it's the kind with fruit on the bottom. Well, have fun. Thanks anyway."
20) Fruit on the bottom. Need I say more?
I BEG TO DIFFER. I START EVERY DAY WITH A YOGURT & COFFEE COMBO - I MAKE MY OWN GO-GURT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
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