"You Wanna Have Fun and Be a Race Car Driver? Then Just Sign up For the Military!"

If you've been to the movies recently, you've surely been violated by the ridiculously loud, aggressive, and non-sensical Kid Rock ad that they play during the previews, a video entitled "Warrior," where Kid Rock assures you that everyone calls him Warrior (lie), tells you to join the military, and juxtaposes the Revolutionary war with Iraq and Afghanistan (awesome.) I haven't seen this sort of propaganda in the United States... ever? Maybe? Maybe I just haven't been paying attention. Or maybe it takes someone obnoxious like Kid Rock to make me realize I am being indoctrinated. Anyway, I watched the video sort of thinking "WTF," but this YouTube video includes some kind of funny commentary, totally clearing up Rock's message and this warrior-ed-ness. Yes, it sort of hurts my ears (there is plenty of screaming. Hello -- warriors scream a lot), but it's way awesomer than the original.

Virtual Condom: Screaming Children

Every morning when I come to work, I take off my "inappropriate, irresponsible, single girl" hat and put on my "mommy world" hat. I hate when people use that expression about the hats, by the way. But you know, at work I am constantly reading and writing about motherhood and parenting, and getting feedback from moms. The process is NOT making me want to have kids. I often stumble upon something so horrific -- whether it's about some weird pregnancy thing or moms' sacrifices, whatever -- that I actually call my mom in the middle of the day and say, "Holy shit, mom! Did you have to do this, too? Did you have an episiotomy? Did you not have enough time to yourself to take a pee in private when I was a toddler? Did you have to give up your career dreams to become a mom?" Because that is what I'm hearing. And usually, she is like, "yes," and she doesn't seem too pissed about it. And that is the scariest thing of all -- she's not bothered. Why not? Why aren't mothers rioting against the injustice!? I think I'm going to start posting about motherhood, and what you see may shock you, unless you're a mom. If you're a mom, you'll be like, "no big deal." But it is a big deal. So while partially I am using these posts as a form of birth control, (disclaimer: This post is not ACTUALLY A CONDOM. It will just make you think twice before not using one.) I am also doing them to honor moms and the crazy shit they did so that we could grow up and run away from them and give them a terribly unthoughtful Mother's Day gift. (That is so not me, but I know it happens.)

Today's installment of "Virtual Condom" is this lovely video:

I'm Not a "Rules Girl", I'm An Asshole

Is this how Minnie snagged Mickey?

I admit it: I just read The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. I felt like reading something hilarious, and I assumed that I would have broken every single rule in the book repeatedly. Not so. Each rule fell into two camps: one that I did the exact opposite of (Don't talk too much) and stuff that I actually did (Don't call him and rarely return his calls). The stuff I got right though, wasn't because I'm a "Rules Girl" it's because I'm an asshole.

The thing is, this book has some truths. It's not ALL bad. The authors have sound advice for women that are like so desperate for a boyfriend that they have abandoned all other aspects of their lives and go to extreme desperate measures to stalk any man that looks at them twice. The message to them is, "Men are competitive and will do anything they can to get a woman they want. If he wants you, you shouldn't have to do a thing. Stop over-analyzing everything and freaking out. Just focus being a better you."

The authors assume that every woman is a psycho man hunter, and also that their relationship goals involve the following (I think that's what this list is, anyway. It was somewhat randomly included without much explanation why, under "Rule #33: Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Ever After!" which just seems confusing to me, anyway:)

• When you are seated at a booth in a restaurant, he slides over and sits next to you.
• He sends you roses after sex.
• He writes love notes or poetry for you and tapes them on the refrigerator door.
• He gets angry when you don't pay attention to him. He wants your constant attention.
• He is always ready to make up after a fight. What kind of pussy is "always ready to make up"?
• He gets involved in every aspect of your life.
• When you have a cold or become ill, he still wants to be with you.
• He always wants the phone number of where you are so he can get in touch with you. (This is like what abusers do to their battered wives.)
• He doesn't like it when you go to bachelorette parties. I'm sorry, there's a problem here.

The list is much longer, but you get the idea. (I underlined the most terrifying stuff.)

Of course, some of the rules are just plain bad. And those are the best (= worst):

• Before he comes to your apartment, tuck this book away, hide in the closet anything you don't want him to see, such as a bottle of Prozac.

• When writing a personal ad: "Don't try to be different. Remember, he has a lot of other letters to read. End the note by saying something like, "Well, I'm off to my aerobics class. Hope to hear form you soon." Keep it light!" (101)
• In High School: Go to the beach, not in your room dwelling on your flaws or quoting Sylvia Plath. Don't chew gum and cackle. Seem self-contained even if you're lonely and bored to death. Notice what kinds of clothes, shoes, bags, jewelry, and hairstyles the most popular kids are wearing. Don't try to be too different or frugal in this area. To see what's hot and not, subscribe to Seventeen and Glamour. Don't you like boys who wear Polo shirts and cowboy boots when that's in fashion?
• Remember, overweight is not The Rules.
• Don't sit in your room alone on Friday and Saturday nights reading Jean-Paul Sartre.
• Don't go away with a man for a week. Save it for your honeymoon! You might act too wifey -- telling him to watch his fat intake or giving him advice about a family or business problem.

To add to the book's charm, the authors have pretty much included the phrase "The Rules" in every other sentence, and about one third of the sentences end with a "!" Fortunately, the text is not pink and the i's are not dotted with hearts. That's about the only difference between this book and a 1950's teen's diary.

Neimann Marcus Commercial

Those poor innocent clouds. Raided and turned inside out for the sake of fashion. I know it's supposed to be cute but it kind of makes me want to join PETA.

I Don't Want to Pay Someone to Be My Bitch

Last night I had a nightmare about having a really big house that I had to clean and take care of, with a lawn and gardens and there were even goddam fountains! With fish that I had to feed! And lots of rooms with furniture and a piano that I didn’t play but needed to be tuned and in addition to the fish in the fountains there was a huge fish tank that needed to be cleaned (once a week.) I’m sure this was the aftermath of my post on having a really big house, but it was scary all the same. Even scarier than my nightmares about Legends of the Hidden Temple. (More on this later.)

But really, having a big house isn’t that scary, right? You just hire a maid. A gardener. A nanny? A fish feeder/tank cleaner? A dog walker? That’s what people with huge houses do, I think. And the idea of having a maid scares me even more than having a big house, even more than being a contestant on Legends of the Hidden Temple.

My parents live in a very small cape cod in Ohio, but they still have a maid. The whole thing just really creeps me out. I never know where to go when they are there or what we should talk about. I’m always in their way (the house is small!) and I end up practically serving them as if they were the Queens of England and I were a meager peasant hosting them for afternoon tea. (“Can I get you anything? Would you like me to put on a movie for you?...) I think I try to overcompensate for my guilt that they are doing work that I could be doing.

My mom is even worse than I am. She always ends up being BFFs with the maid, which I have learned is never a good idea. Our previous maid, Jessica, started asking for regular advances and bonuses, and because she had no one to babysit her daughter, she brought the little bundle with her to our house. And who ended up walking up and down the hallways burping the thing?! Rocking her for hours? Me! We actually had to fire Jessica, because we realized that this relationship just wasn’t working anymore. (Sound familiar, Jerry Seinfeld?)

I don’t like that kind of relationship, anyway -- the kind where someone is doing shitty labor work for me. The kind where someone is working for me and I pay them to get on their hands and knees to clean up the mess I’ve been making. I don’t want that kind of relationship in my life. (I’m sure that some people do need a maid. My mom has time to clean my house but got sick of my Dad bitching about what a pig sty the house is. That’s why my family has one.)

I felt even worse after reading Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich, a woman that for two years tried to survive on minimum wage jobs and had a really hard time doing it. One of her jobs was a house cleaner, and her description of the job was horrible. The maids are often mistreated, poorly paid, yet so desperate for the money that they are overworked, injured, and often weak from exhaustion and malnourishment. According to Ehrenreich, they are directed to get down on their hands and knees to clean, even if it is not the most effective method, because it seems subservient to the client. They are warned to use as little water as possible so they are basically just slopping messes around on the floor. Oh yea, and they are usually treated like shit by the customers. (Unless your client is my mom, who will make you brownies, CD mixes, and give you carefully chosen greeting chards with your payment.)

I’d like to hear what other people had to say about maid services. Is there a good, healthy way to maintain this relationship?

My Donut Creation

I have in front of me a press release announcing Dunkin' Donuts' first. ever. "Create Dunkin's Next Donut" contest. I have long been waiting for the opportunity to put my "imagination and love of donuts into action!"This is a chance for Americans to "come together to celebrate donuts!" No, i will not hesitate to call or email so I can speak to "top Dunkin' Donuts leaders!"

I actually do spend a great deal of time thinking about donuts.

And now I can funnel those efforts into winning the $12,000 grand prize. This is my first idea:

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #5: Dance Party!

Why can't the real world be like this:

During Magic Kingdom after hours, when the park is open until sometimes 1 AM, "Dance Party!" sprouts up all over the park -- the closest thing to a kiddie night club, complete with spinning deejay, flashing lights, and dance floor. I am obsessed. The one in Fantasy Land, for example, has a Little Mermaid theme, so there are wild Under the Sea decorations and people dressed in cartoonish fish costumes busting moves on the dance floor. (In this way, it is sort of like a Flaming Lips concert.) The music, I have to admit, is pretty bad. (They obviously love Hannah Montana and techno versions of Disney classics, but I do enjoy the occasional oldies and mo-town). But when Mom and I have just knocked back a few drinks, I find myself getting really into it.

One problem: I don't know if you've ever noticed, but little kids are sucky dancers. They just kind of sway or jump up and down or the really annoying ones run as fast as they can in circles screaming. That is not dancing. So my more refined dance techniques really stick out (as long as the little kids stay out of my way, which they sometimes do not.) I hope those kids are taking notes.

If mom is drunk enough, she will twist, but most of the time I am on my own. Except for one time, pictured here, where I think a Magic Kingdom janitor felt bad that I was by myself and came up and started dancing with me. (Although, in Disney World, employees aren't called janitors, they are called "cast members" because they are kind of like actors in a big play that is Disney World). We had so much fun I thought I'd never stop laughing.

I think Dance Party! should be implemented all over the country and possibly the world. I want to be able to just stop what I'm doing for a few minutes and go all nuts. It would make me a better, happier person. I'm going to try to have it become company policy at work. Required Dance Party! I don't think it's too much to assume, either, that Dance Party! could bring world peace.

Ummm... I Still Think He Has Pretty Eyes?

Just released today: a 74-year-old evil, balding, graying, swastika-ed prison photo of Charles Manson. In defense of my previous "Charles Manson is hot" claims, I'd like to point out that the man you see above is more attractive than several other geezers: Robert DuVall, MeatLoaf (who is a spry 61 year old), and Grandpa Simpson.

MIA's Paper Planes: I Was Absent That Day

I actually really enjoy MIA's "Paper Planes", but the first time I heard it, I have to admit that I was really confused. Sometimes she wants to WHAT? Why are there guns going off? Cash registers? Am I supposed to know? I thought that I was listening to an edited version, that she was spewing profanities like a drunken sailor. "WHAT do you want to do, MIA, that's so profane it needs to be bleeped out with obtrusive gun shots?" But then, after hearing several versions, I realize that this was how the song was supposed to sound. Something I'm sure most people realized the first five seconds in hearing the song.

But the gunshots are no less disarming now that I know they're supposed to be there. (And I honestly had no idea what she was saying "murder" because it sounds like "meehhhhhdeeeehhhhhhh".) I don't enjoying hearing loud gun blasts and random ka-chings in my music. Couldn't she have used words there, instead? I think almost any words would sound better, like even if she just repeated the word "bunghole" a bunch of times.

And who are these singing children? Are they the ones who want to *@#$&(@#*$? Are they the ones shooting off these guns, ka-chinging all over the place?

I did a lot of research to find out what this song is really about. I googled the shit out of this song. Fans claim, "This song is so gangsta!" and "This song makes me want to smoke a lot of weed." So maybe I am just not gangsta enough or I do not smoke enough weed.

Either way, the thing that confuses me more than the gunshots, cash registers, and children singers, is the fact that everyone seems to totally get this song except for me. The fact that I even had to look up the meaning of the lyrics is lame-ass.

I actually found this quote from MIA about the song on a message board:

"I was going to get patties at my local and just thinking that really the worst thing that anyone can say [to someone these days] is some shit like: "What I wanna do is come and get your money." People don't really feel like immigrants or refugees contribute to culture in any way. That they're just leeches that suck from whatever. So in the song I say All I wanna do is [sound of gun shooting and reloading, cash register opening] and take your money. I did it in sound effects. It's up to you how you want to interpret. America is so obsessed with money, I'm sure they'll get it."

I still don't. And I definitely didn't get that right away. This song is about immigrants? Am I retarded? It appears everyone else on the message board does get it. I actually sort of feel like an academic trying to translate ebonics, destroying the beauty in the process. This isn't because I'm smart or anything, but just because I'm trying so hard to understand something that I just don't. Something that everyone else gets without even trying. And maybe part of the problem is that I don't wanna boom! boom! ka-ching! take your money, and I am too uncreative to try to relate to it.

I don't want to be too hard on MIA, though. I like the song, and I like it when artists try new things. So God bless MIA, with her guns, and immigrants, and cash registers, and screaming children.

This Is Why I Don't Eat Animals

They showed this video on the Today Show to the tune of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and as I sat there watching it, with tears in my eyes, my heart swelling (for real), I thought, "Wow this song really sucks and is taking away from my enjoyment of this very amazing moment. I hope they don't play this crappy song in the YouTube version." Good news: they don't!!! But they chose an arguably crappier song. I'm not really sure, it's hard to compare. I must say though, this song is so bad that it makes this moment almost extra hilarious. Listen for yourself. I had tears in my eyes as I watched it again. Damn, I love animals.

The Bible Is Effing Hilarious: 4 Reasons Jonah Was a Dumbass

Everyone knows the story of Jonah and the whale -- at least the beginning part. I know that the only part I could remember from Sunday school was the part about him being swallowed by a whale. I always thought it was about how powerful God is and if he wants to give you a message you can't escape it. I didn't really think about the context of the store or wtf was going on, and also, my careless/neglective Sunday School teachers forgot to mention the best part of the story.

First of all, what was Jonah doing when he was on the ship, before he was thrown into the sea by his sailing mates? He was running away from God because God wanted him to go to war in Nineveh (which ironically enough is located in modern day Iraq). Here is reason #1 that Jonah is a dumbass: he thinks by getting on a ship he can hide from GOD and he won't have to go to war. This isn't Vietnam, and you're not in Canada, Jonah. In the olden days, God doesn't get you get away with this shit (not in THIS life, anyway!)

It gets better. The sea starts getting all tumultuous and the sailors are all like, "wtf is going on!?" Reason #2: Jonah takes a fucking NAP. That's like exactly what toddlers do when their moms are all like "who pooped in the refrigerator?" (Totally hypothetical.)

But the sea captain wasn't born yesterday. He wakes Jonah up and realizes that he is the reason the Lord is shaking the hell out of his ship. So they throw Jonah off.

Here is the segment of the story we all know -- Jonah is swallowed by a whale. I think it's important to reexamine it though, because if you actually read the text, you will see that the fish (it doesn't say whale, actually) is sent to save Jonah. So God is really fucking with Jonah, here.

Jonah finally gets to Nineveh and warns everyone that God is about to smite them. The people actually believe him and repent, so (much to Jonahs' surprise) God forgives the whole city. Reason #3: Jonah gets pissed at God for saving Nineveh. This is hilarious, because he doesn’t care about the Ninevehites at all. He's only angry because he ends up looking like a huge dumbass. ("That's the last time we listen to your prophecies of doom!")

I'm NOT DONE YET! Next God sends Jonah to the desert and gives him a plant to protect him from the sun. Since God has been screwing with Jonah this whole time, we shouldn't be surprised that He kills the plant. Reason #4: Jonah FREAKS out and whines and threatens to commit suicide because he is so upset that his plant died. What a drama queen! God responds, saying, "You cared about the plant, which you did not work for and which you did not grow, which appeared overnight and perished overnight. And should not I care about Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 persons?"

This is the part we realize what a moron Jonah is, but that there is a little of Jonah in each-and-every-one-of-us. We're all whiny little bitches -- draft-evading, selfish, idiotic dramatic whiny bitches.

And that is why I love this story.

Now tell me: did you guys all know about the awesomeness of this story before now?

Bring Your Legos To Heaven

I love the Bible because it's such a human book, more of history of the first Christians, if you ask me, than an account of actual events. I love how every. single. word. is deliberate and rich with meaning, and has evolved along with the Christians who were writing it. As Bart D. Ehrman points out in Misquoting Jesus, it has been edited, falsely copied, reconstructed, deleted and re-written, mistranslated, lost, found, etcetera, which makes the entire Bible one huge mystery that tells us more about the authors than the subjects of the stories. We can't accept it as the literal Word of God.

That's why I got a huge kick out of the Brick Testament. Brendan Powell Smith has spent years creating Bible Stories with Legos. To me, this is just another step in the evolution of the Bible. For thousands of years, people have picked it up and and read it, spoken it, listened to it, acted it out, drew it, sculpted it, and interpreted it in many ways. I hope that process never, ever ends.

Ehrman's book was pretty good. Even if you agree that the Bible was written by humans (which is a surprisingly low percengate of people), you will be surprised to read about the actual history of how these words became published, and how it is impossible to argue that they are the inerrant words of God. Ehrman breaks down the history of the Gospels and letters of the New Testament so we see (and this is why I love the New Testament so much-->) that the New Testament is a primary source history of the first Christians. We're learning much more about them than Jesus Christ.

You'd like to think that putting the Bible together was a simple process -- that it came together quite neatly in a short amount of time. But it took hundreds of years of unorganized "editing," by often illiterate monks and scribes with agendas. I used to joke that when recording John's Gospel some stupid intern dropped the manuscript on the floor and picked it back up and shuffled it back together out of order because it seems so awkward and obviously non-sensical at times. But honestly, this might have actually happened. And a whole bunch of other weird stuff, too.

Every single word in the Bible is heavy and was selected for a very specific reason, to support a theory, to blame the Jews for killing God, or fulfill Old Testament prophecy. Oh, that last one. The book hardly touched upon this, and that is one of my favorite aspects of the New Testament stories. That's why I love Jesus' birth narratives so much -- they have Joseph carting his ass all over the Middle East at warped speed just so he can be in the right places at the right time, even though it makes no sense logistically. It's hilarious. I'm shocked Ehrman didn't talk about this very much -- almost all Jesus anecdotes reflect predictions about the Messiah in the Old Testament. But still, there was a lot that I did NOT know. (Like, the fact that four Gospels was chosen was not because there were only four legitimate Gospels -- shit... there were far more than that -- but because there were "four corners of the earth." Did you know that?

Also, this book is pretty basic, so even if you don't know shit about the Bible, you can get through this book and enjoy every page.

20 Reasons Why Yogurt Sucks

Disclaimer: The following list does not necessarily reflect the point of view of Eric, with the exception of Number Nineteen. Everyone in the universe agrees With Number Nineteen.

1) That poor Trix Rabbit gets fucked over again, when all he wants is, innocently enough, is to enjoy the breakfast goods that exploit his image in advertising.

2) Yogurt: are you a liquid or a solid? Please make up your mind and then get back to me.

3) It's Unpleasantly Slimy.

4) Probiotic Bullshit. Companies like Dannon have already gotten sued for making fake probiotic claims.

5) I don't take orders from Jaime Lee Curtis. Also the Activia song makes me want to die.

6) Did someone actually get paid for coming up with Yoplait's slogan "It's just so good"? How did that slip through the cracks? (After hearing it, my immediate response is just a flat, "no it's not," and then I move on, my anti-yogurt stance unwavering.)

7) Inauthentic Girliness. Yoplait is trying to connect with me and my feminine needs (Yoplait is "not waiting in line for the restroom good"? OH MAN! WHERE DO THEY GET THIS STUFF!?!?) but it only makes me want to disown my uterus. Who serves yogurt at a wedding, anyway?

8) It's too sweet. I cringe.

9) Shitty flavors. It's always the same old artificial blueberry, strawberry, etc. that never taste like blueberry, strawberry, etc. Why don't they make some that taste like lasagna or a Dirty Martini?

10) Eating yogurt is just depressing, unless you don't have teeth. So, like, babies can eat it, fine. And old people. But if you are hip at all, grab life by the balls and put down the yogurt.

11) It's too complicated and instills fear in me. Those Activia commercials have me scared out of my mind, with all those flying arrows and exploding stomachs.

12) It's definitely labeled a "woman's food", which makes me want to hate it more.

13) The publishers I work for claim in a highly sensitive and top secret document that "kids have aversions to yogurt because they suspect it might be healthy." I disagree with this statement. You can get kids to eat anything and they almost never have a problem with yogurt. They're not like, "WAIT A SECOND, MOM. I CAN SMELL THE PROBIOTICS." Kids don't care. But reading it made me think about how much I hate yogurt in the first place.

14) Yogurt does not taste good on pizza or in alcohol. So really, what's the point?

15) If left unrefrigerated, yogurt sucks even more.

16) Your mom may or may not have packed it in your lunch box every goddam day for 8 years throughout grade school and now you're sick of it.

17) Your host family when you studied abroad in Florence (who didn't understand the eating habits of Americans) may or may not have found out that your roommate liked yogurt and may or may not have bought entire crates of it, forcing it on you as meal replacements for actual cooked meals. Also, Italian yogurt may or may not suck even worse than unrefrigerated American yogurt (this has something to do with the fact that Italians actually know what good food tastes like, so they don't EAT yogurt) and I question the amount of viable probiotics in European yogurt, anyway.

18) Yogurt requires no effort on the behalf of the consumer. You might as well just blast it down your throat in tubes, or inject it the next time you're shooing up heroin. A good food requires some chewing, it requires you to work for it's love.

19) GO-GURT is Ridiculous. As Ellen Deneneres so aptly put,

"GO-GURT is for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really? [pretending to be on the phone:] "Hello?...Oh, hi, Tom...oh, I've been dying to see that movie...Umm, no...I just opened up some yogurt...Yeah, I'm in for the night...No, not even later-it's the kind with fruit on the bottom. Well, have fun. Thanks anyway."

20) Fruit on the bottom. Need I say more?

What Kind Of Dweeb Doesn't Swear?

When I heard that McKay Hatch started a National No Cussing Club, I thought 2 things: 1. This boy is confusing, he has two last names and 2. What kind of dweeb starts a No Cussing Club?

Now I was a huge dork when I was Mr. Hatch's age. Or Mr. McKay's age. Or whatever. But not in this lame-ass way. I wore kangol hats and suspenders to school every day. I watched Alice's Adventures in Wonderland when I was entirely too old to be doing so. I tripped over things a lot. I definitely thought swearing was cool -- it was the language of my grandparents, my parents, and me. One of the first times I stringed together a sentence, I was sitting in my high-chair while my mother was throwing a dinner party and I said, "What the hell is this, chicken?" I believe swearing is a beautiful use of the English language. How good does it feel to say MOTHER FUCKER!!!? Everyone has their profanity of choice. (My mom's is "ass-wipe.) And now we know that swearing at work is GOOD FOR EVERYONE.

But come on. What kind of nerd admits "A lot of kids at my school, and some of my friends, would cuss and use dirty language all the time. They did it so much, they didn't even realize they were doing it. It bothered me so much that one day I challenged them to stop!" This kid needs a good old fashioned Swirlie. Or Awful Waffle. And what kind of nerd does makes a no cussing rap video?

But then I started thinking this McKay kid might have a point. When little kids swear, it definitely sounds lame-ass. You have to fight for your right to swear. It's like a right you earn for putting up with a bunch of bullshit that you wanted to swear about your whole life but couldn't cause you were only a kid (like indoor recess and yogurt in your lunch box). The kid was talking on the news, and I was thinking, he sounds so mature, so adult. I felt like he probably had a lot to say about the Palestine/Israeli conflict or something. Very articulate kid.

So a message to Hatch: I'm sorry I poo-pooed you, you goddam son of a bitch. Easy on the swears for now, it will get you far. But once you get to be older, it doesn't really matter. (You might also get looser on other such items such as drinking, drugs, and sex, and life will be more fun.)

Oh, blissful youth!

Pixar Knows: Chubbyness For the Win!

The full-length trailer for Pixar's new movie Up came out last weekend. So many Cute Factors in one movie! Puppy! Balloons! And my personal favorite, a Chubby Character. In Up, it's this little boy, but previous Pixar tubbies include Emile from Ratatouille (dutifully eating a piece of cheese here), and to his left, one of the fat humans from Wall-E. Even though the point of the obese humans in Wall-E was to point out our depravity, it really just ended up being cute. Proving, once again, that chubbyness wins.

Other, non Pixar chubby things that are cute -- babies!

To Aid In Your Rowdy Irish Drinking:

It's almost St. Patrick's day, and although we all know there is nothing really Irish about it, we love it anyway, because it's the only chance we get to be all stereotypical about leprechauns and Guinness and whatnot. I love it because the Pogues have a huge concert in NYC every year. So whatever St. Patrick's Day represents or does not represent, it is a great chance to listen to the greatest band of all time. I wanted to make everyone an online mix tape, but muxtape went out of business so this will have to do. But if anyone has any interest in a Pogues CD, let me know. I will make you one so fast your head will spin and I will deliver it to you myself. I actually forgot to put one of my favorite songs on here, and that sucks ass. It's called "Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God" by the Lawrence Arms. If my friend Dave K. is reading, he should post some better suggestions I know he has some. Erin-go-Bragh, everyone. (Which I think in Celtic means go get so wasted you have to urinate in the sink -- something I saw more than once when I was visiting Ireland.)

The Media Does ANOTHER!!!! Bad Thing For Women

Off the top of my head, I can remember hearing reports that R gave CB "brown herpes," was flirting with Jay-Z (who wouldn't flirt with Jay-Z?) and then there was this reporter from the Daily News who reported that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of Chris' Lamborghini and threw them down the street, knowing "it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked." The same article says an insider reported that, "Rihanna is tempermental, too. They're both too hot-headed for their own good."

Ummmm... did you SEE that picture of Rihanna? I am really irked that they used a cliché to describe the situation. "Too hot-headed for their own good." Like, you know, run-of- the-mill "too hot-headed for their own good." Run-of-the-mill beating the shit out of your girlfriend. Whateves.

So I'm getting used to hearing this shit and being like "Mother of God!" But this morning, CNN interviewed Jeff Gardere, a Clinical Psychologist and I think it just made me realize that I've had enough. Up to here. Etcetera. The first thing he said that made me go "huh" was "They really are in love," which confuses me and I think is up for debate. But this part shouldn't be up for debate:

Rihanna, as we know, through her attorney, asked a judge not to prohibit Brown from contacting her. And we hear they are back together. Yikes. Gardere says,

"Rihanna herself has a responsibility not just to herself and her relationship and Chris Brown, but to her public, whether she wants to be a role model or not, she actually is, so she's giving a very wrong message by saying, "I'm going back, but I'm going back with no preconditions." There have to be preconditions. And I, as Rihanna, I should perhaps get some therapy and find out why it is that I want to stay in this kind of relationship."

Yes. The cycle of violence, we all know. But I would think a Clinical Psychologist would know how hard it is to break the cycle of violence. How hard it is to just walk away. Every day, women all over the world claim they love their husbands who have tried to kill them. We can never judge a woman who can't just get up one morning and do it, even if she is a public figure. It's going to be very difficult for Rihanna to break out of the cycle.

She is a victim, let's give her a break.

The Media Does Another Bad Thing For Women

To celebrate their 70th anniversary, Glamour recently did a piece honoring American women (and one Belgian). The connection there is tenuous, but nevertheless they chose to honor the women by having young celebutantes pose in their images: Alexis Bleidel as Rosie the Riveter, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore and yes, Emma stone as Carrie Bradshaw.

The effect is kind of creepy -- the actresses and models, mostly much younger than the women they're representing, have a plastic sheen and beatific smile. Like Barbie, the ever-present archetype. It's an insult to women like Amelia Earhart and Brandi Chastain and a corruption of what they stand for. Hayden Panatteire and Elisha Cuthbert seem like nice girls but what have they ever done for the world or for women?

Would anyone care about the story of Dolores Huerta if there wasn't a pretty starlet posing as her? Fighting for migrant workers rights isn't pretty or stylized. Why not show pictures of the actual women? Once again the media is telling women that, "Sure! Do whatever you want as long as you're pretty doing it. Also, if you were just pretty (like a model!) you could just pretend to do something great."

When women are told "You can do anything," as the subtitle to this slideshow does, should we be thinking of Carrie Bradshaw? Aside from the fact that she's a fictional character whose made up life could only exist in fantasy, she represents values -- materialism, vanity and a singular focus on romance -- that only hurt us.

Glamour's "American Icons" only serves to muddle the meaning of what it means to be a great woman.

Holiday Joy: Scheisters, Nasty Asses, Slutty Boots

My Christmas Eve is a night of heavy drinking, an elegant dinner (that would be more elegant were we not heavily drinking) and opening presents (because since we are heavily drinking, we are too hung over Christmas morn to feel very jolly). This year, my dad's Aunt Bernie was saying so many colorful things that I started texting them to myself. (Unfortunately, I didn't get to document the whole evening. I will take this project more seriously next time I see her.) I recently found the texts, and they really brought back that warm, holiday feeling:

December 24, 9:45 PM: "He was a scheister and a nasty ass" (referring to a Priest)

December 24, 11: 19 PM: "Is she still alive, that witch?" (referring to her step-mother)

December 25, 12:24 AM: "That Brian, I'll shred him to the last thread." (Brian is my dad)

December 25, 1:05 AM: "I don't like those big tall slutty looking boots." (As my mother opens a pair of big tall black boots that my dad has purchased for her.)

Oh, joy!

Diddy Rates Fried Chicken

A Popeyes v. KFC taste-off at the hands of Diddy should have been better. This is a man who could have made the future members of Danity Kane walk the chicken across the Brooklyn Bridge for him before performing a (chicken) dance while he feasted with other members of hip hop royalty. But he looks oddly sad for having so many buckets of food in front of him and he also weirdly brings up his weight gain. He's possibly depressed.

50 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Moved to NYC

1) Avoid shopping at Fairway during peak hours. Which is like, always. (Alternative: break in during the night and leave a wad of cash?)

2) When you meet someone from Astoria, don't bother in asking if they live near the bier garden. The answer is yes. They all do.

3) You will pay an disgusting amount of money to live in a most likely an incredibly shit-hole. You will put up with rodents, bugs, holes in walls, leaking pipes, etc. -- in ways you never thought you would. But you'll do it. This will all become normal to you.

4) Shopping for an apartment? Choose fifth floor walk-up, no doorman. You will save a bundle, although it OFTEN SUCKS A LOT.

5) Oh yeah, and the fifth floor walk-up thing is good for another reason: you will buy less, because you're like, 'do I really feel like carrying this upstairs?' And unless it's a huge bag of Urban Outfitters clothes, the answer is probably no. (Still looking for a way to want to buy less from Urban Outfitters.)

6) Don't take cabs. Ever. Don't drive. Ever.

7) When you're on the subway, just stand. Even if there is nobody else in the goddam car. Subway politics are too complicated and it's too much trouble to try to figure out whether that woman is pregnant, or if it would offend that other lady if you offered her your seat. Also, it is so annoying to have to pay attention at every stop, reassessing the situation.

8) If you carry your groceries in plastic bags, you will get evil looks.

9) If you are missing your family at all, do not go to Central Park on the weekends. It will be like that scene in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure where his bike is stolen and everyone around him is having a bomb-ass time riding their bikes all over the place.

10) Get over closing the window shades when you are eating dinner in your underwear. The neighbors probably can't see that much, and I doubt they'd be able to identify you, anyway.

11) Watch your feet -- you don't want to step on one of those tiny dogs down there. Their owners bring them everywhere -- no coffee shop or clothing store is safe.

12) If anyone gives you anything or is doing anything awesome (like wearing a cat on his head, is dressed in an offensively dingy Elmo costume, or is shoving a rap CD in your hands) it is not free. They will definitely want money.

13) You may think you'd keep in touch with friends that live 20 blocks away, but you'd be wrong.

14) When meeting someone in Penn Station, do not choose the "Hudson News" as a meeting place. Not even "The Hudson News By The Police Stand." There are about four hundred Hudson Newses and they are all by the Police Stands.

15) It may not look like you can fit into that jam-packed subway car. Yes, I know, people's faces/buttcheeks are flattened against the glass. But you can.

16) Find an awesome friend like Eric that loves life so much that you can never forget to do the same.

17) If you're showing the city to non-New Yorkers who want to tour the Empire State Building or something, don't feel obligated to accompany them. There is a nice Starbucks across the street and Tanisha always gives you honey packets when you order tea.

18) At SantaCon, don't dress as Santa. It's too cliché.

19) When little boys are break-dancing in the subway, do not freak out. They are NOT going to crack their heads open.

20) You cannot just waltz into a movie in NYC. Get there like eighteen hours early. Opening night? Camp out. (OMG. Even if it's some random-ass foreign film you don't think anyone will go to. Especially if it's some random-ass foreign film you don't think anyone will go to.)

21) Buy moon boots. In an Ohio snowstorm, you hibernate most of the time and when you do leave your house, you traverse snow and ice in an SUV or 4-wheel drive. In NYC, when there is snow or ice, you have to walk through it. Everywhere.

22) Buy a Duane Reade card ASAP and buy everything you possibly can there.

23) NYC is huge, but not that huge, and social circles run small. Ex: When you are on a match.com date making fun of your last match.com date because he was a probably-gay kickball player, be safe and assume that your present match.com date is also a probably-gay kickball player, on the same team as the first one, and they are best friends, and things just got awkward and you have to go home.

24) If you have to pee and are out and about, use the Starbucks bathroom (NYC's public restrooms.) BUT DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. Nast.

25) Think of NYC streets as water ways. The cars are like boats-- traffic rules do not apply. If there is space for a car to go somewhere, it will go there.

26) Watch out for Chinese food delivery men on bicycles. They don't even follow the non-traffic rules. They will come at you at full speed from all angles. And no fucking around -- they can hit you.

27) If you have been to one street fair you have officially been to 99.9% of all NYC street fairs.

28) Don't try to mug little old ladies. It is on the news every day -- "95 year old beats the shit out of hard-knocked gangster trying to steal her pocketbook".

29) Brooklyn is not a different universe.

30) When standing on the subway, touch as little of the subway pole as you can -- for hygienic reasons, obviously, but I have found that people actually get really pissed if you are taking up too much pole space.

31) Make sure you don't have exposed buttcheeks when you are walking to work (still drunk).

32) During restaurant week, restaurants serve the worst food they will ever serve.

33) During the Halloween parade, you will not be able to get anywhere you need to go, downtown. Go, go, go. It's fun. But I hope you don't have a strict agenda once you get there. (Unless your strict agenda is being drunk.)

34) Go out alone, all the time. You'll make awesome friends this way.

35) If you see a guy that sorta looks like Woody Allen, it is probably Woody Allen. That guys is all over the place.

36) K-town restaurants are either entirely vegetarian (awesome) or entirely carnivorous (think: monkey brains).

37) If you can avoid the subways in the summer, please do. Ass-hot weather is what I like to call "non-subway season" (bad smells, sweaty everything, etc.).

38) You can give homeless people all the money you want, but you are not obligated to listen to them rant for 45 minutes about the Mayan prophecies or some shit.

39) Don't worry about not feeling like a New Yorker. Hardly anyone in New York is a New Yorker.

40) There are enough intellectuals around that if you do something like carry a copy of The Trial around, you will get hit on probably like twice.

41) The hipster look might have looked semi-cool the first time you saw it, for fifteen seconds, but it gets old so fast. And it is impossible to escape in Brooklyn.

42) There is a definite Manhattan/Brooklyn riff. Brooklyn people will think you are snobby and hate that you like Sex in the City.

43) Don't ask out Starbucks employees. When they tell you they are 18, that means they are definitely not 18. Subtract two(?) years.

44) Do not feel ashamed when you exclaim, "Holy Moley!" or "Goodness!" when something incredibly New York City and non-Ohio happens. (Like, when the elevator seems to be going up 800 miles an hour, your ears pop, and you're now on like the 96^th floor.) It will make you seem like a charming country bumpkin.

45) Cancel all magazine subscriptions and read them sitting on the floor at Barnes & Noble.

46) If someone is particularly nutty looking, that means they are probably famous.

47) Bring visitors, everyone, to Café Orlin for dinner.

48) On Jewish holidays, expect a good section of your neighborhood to be closed.

49) It might seem like an awesome idea to take one of those bicycle rickshaws across town "real quick" 'cause you're late for a movie, but remember that those scrawny little guys have to actually carry you (and your mom and best friend), pedaling up and down hills and through dangerous traffic. Walking is faster and safer.

50) And oh yeah, about the bicycle rickshaw guys: most of them are really hot. But I think they must get propositioned all the time because whenever I try to flirt with them they don't look at me twice. Or perhaps they are all business.

Okay, I'm sick of my voice, now. If anyone read this blog, I would ask for people to add their own. I see we have 2 followers, and there's Nikki, so I will ask you directly: Mom, Nikki, Eric ... what have you learned?

Oh Yeah, Charles Manson Was Hot

One of the most fascinating things about Jesus, if you ask me, isn't how he could have walked on water or was born of a virgin. Whether I believe that those thing happened or not is a different story. What is amazing (and completely proven) is that thousands of years ago Jesus was able to attract the attention of Jews and convince them that he was their savior -- and today, thousands of years later, that legend has survived. The question is, what exactly did Jesus do to make such an impact? The only answer that I can come up with is that, whatever it was, he must have been pretty fan-freaking-tastic. That's why I don't give a shit if he preformed miracles or not; I don't need them. I am convinced that Jesus was extraordinary based on his legend.

I asked myself the same question when reading about Charles Mason in Helter Skelter. Manson wasn't educated or famous; in fact, his life sucked from the very beginning, he had no guidance, and spent about 90% of his life in jail or in orphanages, foster homes, etc. But his skills in identifying with weak people (and then perfectly capitalizing on their weaknesses) allowed him to attract the following of hundreds of people with loyalty so strong they would murder for him without hesitation. Manson referred to himself as "MAN SON" and Jesus Christ, and it's impossible to ignore how much the two had in common.

Both were revolutionaries warning of change and an imminent Armageddon. Both carried incredibly unpopular messages that were very popular with a select few -- and in both cases some of the most devout followers were females. Both believed that all was one. Both said the only thing important is love. (Manson was quoted in Rolling Stone saying, "There has been no true love since the pharaohs. Except for J.C. He knew what love meant.") Both were put on trial. People have killed for both of them. I could keep going.

Similar results, as well: a hard-core following of people who are willing to kill and be murdered for their leader, and dedicate their lives to carry out their leader's message.

The biggest thing they didn't have in common is that they are actually TOTAL OPPOSITES. Manson was Christ-like in his attempt to be the Anti-Christ. Manson gained followers using sex, drugs, isolation, music, and his charismatic personality. Jesus carried only a powerful message. (And perhaps miracles. But if you don't believe in his miracles, the fact that people followed him so devoutly is even more notable.)

I think in order to gain control like Christ, Charles Manson and Hitler had, the stars really have to align. The environment has to be ripe for change. You have to be able to coerce enough weak people that you can save them. The Apocalypse is a great word to throw around. I'm trying to think... is Osama Bin Ladin like this? Or is it totally different?

Anyway, Helter Skelter is an UNBELIEVABLE story told in a captivating way. I had a nightmare the first night after reading it and I have been super-suspicious of my new neighbors, who moved in the same day. I have spent an embarrassing amount of time spying on them through the peep-hole. This is a great story for any interested in law, human nature, religion, murder, The Beatles, Hollywood, and down right fucked-up-ed-ness. That all is there. Along with creeeEEEeeeepy pictures.

Something that also carried me through the book: Charles Manson was incredibly hot. That man had some lustrous locks!

Click on the chart to get a good view. It's very, very handy. (For a printable version, see me. To have it made into a sweatshirt, see me.)

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #4: Kitsch

I've never been to Hawaii and I don't want to go because I fear that it won't be nearly as awesome as the Polynesian Resort in Disney World. I mean, if you are going to go with the luau theme, it has to be so ridiculously over-the-top. (Hawaii, I fear, is probably too much like actual Hawaii.) With tiki culture, you can't go half-way. That is why Disney got it right: They go all out with kitsch.

The Polynesian embraces tiki-culture in every square inch of the property, which includes almost 800 rooms in "Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii"-esque long houses, a white sand beach, tiki torches and music that line the walk ways, a volcano water slide, a "Great Ceremonial House", waterfalls, over 75 species of exotic plant life, and hula dancers. They aren't subtle about anything and seem comfortable with exploiting blatant stereotypes about Polynesian natives.

Disney doesn't stop there. They embrace television sitcom kitsch, outer space kitsch, carnival kitsch, old Hollywood kitsch, Western kitsch ... thinking about it all actually has me second-guessing the actual definition of kitsch in the first place, and now I'm sort of just thinking the entire park is one big Land-O-Kitsch. I don't go to Disney World for subtleties, to stay in a Marriot, to eat food without being entertained by fire swallowers or country western dancers, or to drink cocktails with less than 30 umbrellas/swords/crazy straws in them. I go to Disney World to be wowed and they deliver every single time.

My Broken iPod Is The Taliban

Awhile ago, my iPod broke. I could still listen to music, but I couldn't skip or repeat songs, which deeply impacted how I assembled my playlists. I chose songs very carefully (which made me think about my entire library more) and when I was listening, I gave special attention to the songs I really liked, knowing that that was it -- once it was done, I'd have to wait for a new rotation until I heard it again. And often I would hear a song and think, "oh man, why did I download this song?", only by the end of the song to remember exactly why I downloaded it and fall in love with it all over. Still, it was kind of annoying but I learned to deal with it.

My new iPod was fully functional, and I felt quite spoiled to be able to skip and repeat songs, all willy nilly. I wasn't thinking about my playlists as much, and I wasn't actually listening to the songs as much. I wasn't listening to those , "why did I download this?" songs anymore. And the whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable.

I kept thinking that maybe it was better before I was granted this freedom -- that I was a more conscious listener, experiencing life more fully, when I was restricted in control over my music. While skipping songs, I thought, "Maybe it was better before. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." And maybe it's because I was reading about Islam a lot at that time, but I started wondering if this was what it was like when the end of the Taliban and women were free to peel off their burkas. Some of them didn't. And Westerners didn't get it, for the most part.

I'm not saying that much can be gained by forcing women to wear burkas -- nothing as awesome as getting listen to that Toadies song you haven't heard in six years. It's not really the burka that was the problem, anyway, it was forcing women to wear it that was the problem. Muslim women had much bigger fish to fry. (Like, how about not being able to leave your house or study?) I guess I'm just saying that I can't even begin to judge what it's like to live in Islamic society and get used to wearing a burka and feeling safe and then being told I can take it off. It sounds so easy, but I couldn't even repeat "Push It" on my iPod even though I really wanted to hear it twice.

I don't really know what I am saying. I was really surprised how uncomfortable I was with my new freedom to whore around with my iTunes library -- a basic right as an American! Something you probably take for granted every day! What does that say about freedom and how we can get used to certain things and how we can get convinced that certain things are right or wrong or that we can be programmed to believe certain things?

Or maybe I'm just NUTS.