Why Disney World Kicks Ass #8: Booze

My mailbox is constantly flooded with questions about Walt Disney World. (LIE.) Knowing how much I like to drink, many people are curious about how I manage to enjoy myself without being sober the whole time. It's way easier than you'd think. Below, some questions you may have about boozing in the parks:

So people probably don't drink that much in Disney World, huh?
WRONG! Although there is no alcohol allowed in the Magic Kingdom, all of the other parks and hotels are packed with booze-filled opportunities. World Showcase in EPCOT alone offers drinking around the world, an event where you can taste margaritas, Tsing Tao, Jagermeister, grappa, Sam Adams , sake, wines, champagnes, Casa, French Nuvo, and Molsons, just to name a few. (This is all in the span of, like, a half a mile. Not far enough to walk it all off. You will be plastered.)

But what do you do if you want to drink in the Magic Kingdom?
The rumors are true: it is more fun to watch the parades a little tipsy. That's why you must B.Y.O.B. I recommend brining tiny bottles of vodka to the park.

Yeah but where do you buy them?
Your hotel. And when the clerk says, "I hope you're drinking this before you go to the Magic Kingdom," say yes.

Okay, but how do you get the bottles in there? Don't they have pretty tight security and like check your bags and stuff?
Yes, but just tuck the bottles in your underwear or something.

That doesn't make any sense. Every time I put vodka bottles in my underwear, it stretches the fabric down and doesn't hold.
Not if you're wearing your Tinkerbell costume, duh. It has a tight, fitted body suit, which will hold at least four vodka bottles. Next question, please. Christ.

So you drink it straight out of the bottles?
No. The beautiful thing about the Magic Kingdom is that since there is no alcohol served, they have lots and lots of fruity beverages, Pineapple Dole Whips, slushees and smoothies served in entertaining souvenir mugs with funky straws. It's basically like Chaser Central. My favorite is the pineapple juice at Aloha Isle, located in Adventure Land.
But how do you sneak the vodka into the drinks?
You really must be careful. Try to find a quiet, secluded spot. But don't get too comfortable. If an adult sees you sneaking vodka into your drink, they will quietly judge you and assume you're a horrible person, and that's fine. But kids are short and nosy, and they often pop out of nowhere. And if they see you, they will probably say loudly, "Mommy, why is Tinkerbell putting that clear liquid into her pineapple juice?!?" You want to avoid that.

If you must, go to the bathroom. But God knows I've been in a stall peeing and have a child stick her head underneath the stall, looking for her mom. Sigh. Sometimes I think Disney World would be way more fun if children were not allowed to go there.

Hopefully I've cleared up any booze-related confusion. Keep e-mailing me your Disney questions, you crazy mob of readers, you. For more reasons why Disney World Kicks Ass click here, here, here, here, here and here.