But every time I get a little bitchy about it, I think about how amazing the subway really is. I imagine myself in a world where there is no subway. Then I imagine someone coming up to me and asking, "what would you say if I told you I was going to invent an underground transportation system which will quickly move millions of people within blocks of where they need to be, very few people will jump in front of the train or die, the trains will all match up on the tracks and will rarely collide, the ceilings won't collapse, and it will be relatively inexpensive. People generally will not hold up the cars with guns. Then I imagine replying, "yeah right!" I mean, the whole thing is actually pretty amazing.
I am so obsessed with the subway, actually, that I don't ever want to own a car again. Why? Here's why:
The Subway Is Perfect for the Irresponsible Chica. I am not capable of taking care of children, animals, plants, or cars. I have, however, proven capable of keeping track of my subway card (most of the time), since I don't have to feed it or wash it, and it doesn't poop on the floor. My subway card fits in my purse, my back pocket, and my bra.
Being Drunk is A-OK! DUIs are not cool, and I never have to worry about that any more. When you're out at the bars, you don't have to think, "I'd better stop drinking now, because although I'm not wasted, I would surely fail a stringent breathalyzer test and there is no way in hell I can un-parallel park my car." You only need to be sober enough to walk to the subway station and semi-coherently tell a random person at the subway station your address and ask them to put you on the right subway to get there.
Parking Problems -- Solved. When I had a car, I could never remember where I parked it. I'm not good at keeping track of stuff. And like, if I was going to a restaurant, my internal dialogue would be something like, "ME HUNGRY NOW." Not, "Now I really should remember where my car is."
Once in Disney World, my mom and I were parked a 5 minute tram ride away from the entrance of the park, and we wisely decided to write down the name of our parking section because we had little faith in our memories. But looking at the paper on our return, we discovered we had written "24 Unicorns" -- a nonexistent section. I'm still trying to figure out how this happened, but the takeaway is that my mom and I aren't intelligent enough to go anywhere with each other.
Make New Friends and Keep The Old. I love talking to new people on the subway, and I often run into friends. I saw my friend David Posner, whom I hadn't seen in 4 years, while we were getting onto the D train. I made fun of a bunch of Italians once, because I wanted to tell them that I could understood them talking about me. (They were laughing at me because I was dancing to my iPod.)
Free Entertainment! After the initial shock of seeing children almost break their necks or crack their heads open on the subway floor, I started really enjoying it when they'd come on board with their boom boxes and start break dancing. I'm also a sucker for Mariachi singers (but ONLY if they are wearing glittery, stereotypically Mexican outfits.) I had a homeless man ask me my name and occupation, and then write a rap about me. The other night, the guy sitting next to me pulled out a 9-foot albino snake out of the suitcase he was traveling with. Whatever you experience, it's always more amusing than what I used to see when I used to have to drive across the goddam Pennsylvania Turnpike for 6 hour stretches.
Spice Up Your Social Life. Sometimes the subway reminds me of when I used to ride the bus in elementary school, with a few important differences:
- Nobody on the New York Subway system throws my backpack out of the Emergency Exit or steals my lunch box.
- It's fucking humiliating riding in a big, eyesore of a school bus.
- I don't generally get car sick and barf all over the place on the subway.
- Fat, disgruntled, senior citizen bus drivers who yell too much do not drive subway cars.
- Never been almost mowed down by a subway car before.
Go Nuts, Multi-Taskers. I have a short attention span and I used to get super bored driving. Driving is effing boring. I always wanted to read while I was driving but I know that it's frowned upon. But I can do that on the subway. I'm grateful that I didn't start using text messaging until after I stopped driving, because I know I'd want to. I'd probably be dead right now. Did you see that PSA from England?
Jack Godshall Can No Longer Steal My Car. In high school I drove a 1988 Volkswagen Cabriolet:
It was so small that my friends could pick it up and move it. I would come to the parking lot after class, and my car would no longer be there. This isn't because I'm a dumbass who can't remember where she parked her car. While that's true, it's actually because my friends liked to hide the Cabrio in the bushes or on the lacrosse field, or the front yard of my English teacher, who would go on to hate me for this.
And Oh, Yeah. Cars are effing expensive and shitty for the environment. That should be at the top of the list.
The only things I miss about not having a car:
- Where to hide the dead bodies?
- Can't pop those sweet wheelies anymore, and my drag racing days are over.
- I love wearing seat belts (oh wait, NO I DON'T.)
Lolz... I loved it.. :)
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