12 Books That Have Actually Pissed Me Off (Whether I've Read Them Or Not)

I was recently dismayed to learn that Sloan Crosby was nominated for the Thurber Prize for American Humor for her eh book I Was Told There'd Be Cake. How something so sub-par could make such an splash pisses off anyone who has ever wanted to write a book. IWTTBC is totally predictable and only occasionally funny. Wow, she moves to New York. Get this!!!!! She has a really crappy first job!!!!! Oh, the shenanegans she finds herself in. She hates bridal showers?!? WHAT?!?!? Silly goose! Her family is just plain ZANY. (But the loveable kind.) And she pokes fun of herself in very safe ways, while ending up on top in each story. BORRRRINNNGGGGGGG.
This reminded me of other books that have actually pissed me off. Right off the bat, I thought of 11 more. Stop me now, before I rip to shreds every book that I have ever (and have ever not) read.

The Cay by Theodore Taylor

When I was in eighth grade I had to read this book and my teachers, who must have thought we were all retarded, built an island set in our classroom and dressed up as the goddam characters and read the book to us. We were 14. 14 year olds have sex and swear and they sure as hell are intelligent enough to read something more challenging than this pamphlet of a book and watch their teachers interpret it to them via crappy acting. My dad picked up the book one night when I was doing my "homework" (making a pop up book about the book) and he's like "what the hell is this bullshit?" I don't remember this part of the story, but he claims that I said, "Well, Dad. The boys in my class don't like to read very much. So we have to read fake books." And that is what The Cay is.

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

Who doesn’t hate James Frey ("The Man Who Conned Oprah") just a little bit for blatantly lying in his memoir? If Oprah hates you, the entire goddam world hates you.

Sex in the City by Candace Bushnell

I never read the book, but I have watched every episode of the show. I watch it because two of my favorite things in the universe are fashion and New York City. Unfortunately, my third favorite thing is good writing. So I am pained to hear the background voice of Sarah Jessica Parker as she makes uninteresting observations about men in a really annoying, dumb voice. "I wooOOOnnnndered... Can MEN and WOMEN REALLLLLLLLLYYY!?!?!? be FRIENDS?"

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon

This was Mark Haddon's thought process when writing this book:

"I have a TOTALLY FUNKY, original title for a book: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Oh wait, I have to come up with a story line and good writing, too? I don't think so. I worked hard enough to come up with that awesome name."

Eat This Not That by David Zinczenko

"Let's give them something to FREAK OUT about."

Life was more fun before people started obsessing about calorie counts. People don't enjoy food anymore. Food should taste good. Enjoy it. Love it. Don't freak out about it. None of the "Eat This Not That" comparisons are really that surprising, either. And we can all read nutrition labels, if need be. This is just like one big freak out book.

On The Road by JackKerouac

Any chick who says she likes this book is lying. She's saying that so guys think she's cool -- a guy's gal. This is a dude book. Period.

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

I have never read this book, but I hate it all the same. (I did, however, listen to a pod cast about it. And I was vomiting all over the place. My mother also read me some exceprts, which I listened to while I writhed in a ball on the floor.) Many of her observations in Rome are really far off and she says a lot of false things about Rome, Italians, and the language school she attended. (I know because I went to the same language school.) This makes her an unreliable (and unlikeable) narrator and I automatically hate everything she has to say. I think the premise of the book is dumb, too. I say this, fully understanding I am being unjustifiably harsh. Maybe I should actually read the book sometime. I've spent enough time bitching about it.

Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

I was expecting a cool twist on Christianity, here. But Donald Miller's "twists" are unoriginal and un earth shattering. It's like he was at one time very conservative, and then got a little more liberal, and then wrote a really (painfully long) journal entry about it. It's not well written or organized, and it's just so annoying. He talks down to the reader, even though I would bet that most readers have spent more time thinking about the subject than Miller.

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

One of my favorite things to do is go to Barnes & Noble and look at the stands they have set up of different book collections. "Science," "African American Interest," "Non-Fiction Favorites," etc. I am a huge sucker so every time I see a stand of books I think "OOOoOOOooo! I want all of those books right now!" Not so when I saw the "Barnes & Noble Staff Recommends" stand. Every single book could fit into three categories: 1) A diet book 2) A book about how to get over a relationship (some of the books strangely fit into both of these categories) and 3) Atheist books. Really, guys? Could we fit in something else, here? I suppose I am more troubled by the fact that the only POV represented at the Barnes & Noble recommendation stand is Atheism, but I also don't understand why Atheists are so intent on proving people with faith wrong. Leave them alone. I have noticed that they don't actually lash out at Atheists if unprovoked. (They don't care about atheists.) And Richard Dawkins -- shit, I haven't read any of his books, either. But I've wasted too much time reading about them, and his books about God, I've come to understand, are really just unscientific montages of fiery rantings, dogmatism, and mind boggling misrepresentation of Christianity. I know that he thinks religious people are always pushing their faith on everyone. But nobody pushes faith (the Un-Faith) on people more than Richard Dawkins.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

The Secret is not a book. It is a marketing campaign. And marketing campaigns are SUPER ANNOYYYINNNGGGGGG.

Confessions of a Shopoholic by Sophie Kinsella

Once again, never read it. But When I saw the cover of it in the bookstore, I literally dropped my purse and said "OH NO." I think I cried that day. "Confessions of a ANYTHING" books are super stupid. They're trying to sound racy when they're totally not. And shopoholics do not deserve the attention of an entire book. OR an entire BOOK SERIES. OR a FUCKING MOVIE. OMG, someone missed the memo.