13 Signs I've Joined A Suicide Cult

The tragedy in Jonestown (remember... the Kool-Aid Suicide Gang?) in 1978 is a story about a lot of things, and though Tim Reiterman did a great job telling the story in his book Raven, I felt there were things he was leaving out. How did the government not catch on to Jones' brainwashing and illegal activity? The beatings? The stealing? Not paying taxes? How is it possible that the families of more than 900 people weren't objecting to the sudden, FUCKING BIZARRE behavior of their loved ones? Some of them did, but none of them who had members deeply entrenched in the Temple were able to pull them away. I'd like to think that if I was talking about suicide, miraculous (and obviously fake) healings, and claiming this random guy from Indiana was my Savior, my mother would fucking snap me out of it. If I thought she had joined a suicidal cult, I would drug her and bring her to Antarctica, lock her in my bathroom, or do whatever was necessary to keep her away. That's right, mamma. That's how much I love you. Lots of people dropped the ball, and Reiterman does not say who, exactly.

I picked Raven up in the first place because Helter Skelter is one of my favorite books of all time, and I figured this story would be equally thrilling. In some ways, it's creepier. Manson brainwashed some aimless teenagers to murder for him. Jim Jones convinced almost a thousand children and educated, settled adults that he was their savior and they needed to kill themselves in the name of socialism. (The two crazies had very similar childhoods, though. Both were pretty much abandoned losers who were looking for attention.)

So please. I beg of you. If I display the following behavior, please sit down with me and let's have a conversation. Smack me if you must. Let's be safe and expect the worst.

• I start studying Russian. Words on my vocab list: socialism, guerilla warfare, Hail Chairman Mao.
• I start shopping for warm-weather clothing and express interest in vacationing in South America.
• I start sleeping with an image of Jim Jones over my heart to protect myself from death.
• I adopt fourteen children and let them live in my studio apartment.
• I work for 21 hours a day and turn all my money over to a church. ("It's cool -- the end justifies the means.")
• I lose 40 pounds and my skin turns grey.
• I start referring to a human being as my savior.
• When you ask me what I did last Friday night, I say "Suicidal Ritual Drill".
• I've been deathly afraid of airplanes my entire life but I suddenly get my pilots license so I can start shipping cargo to South America for the guy I'm sleeping with.
• And oh yea, the guy I'm sleeping with is a "preacher" 40 years older than me, and he has a wife, ten mistresses, and fucks guys just to make them think they're gay.
• I move into a Co-op and will not receive your phone calls.
• Every time I see you, I am recording our conversation with an old tape recorder from the 70's.
• I burn a cross into my forehead. Oh, wait. That was the Manson Family. But look out for shit like this, as well.