Wanted: 1 Single, Hot, Mafioso

I couldn't figure out how a book that's pretty pulpy could end up being so genius, and I think The Godfather makes that possible because of the characters. They were so believable and even the blood-thirsty ones were relatable. I believed every word they said. (I mean I believed them when they confessed their fears or expressed their thoughts, not when they promised they didn't kill people.) I'm on to my next book now, and I actually really miss the characters. That's probably why, ever since, I have been seeking a mafioso boyfriend. There are some reasons this is a GREAT idea:

1. “Going to the mattresses” sounds awesome, and what's cooler than a room full of mattresses (comfy, fun, totally sexy)
2. I love a good offer that nobody can refuse
3. Low levels of violence are kind of cool (think: brass knuckles)
4. I love eating Italian food for breakfast, too!
5. Free 3 year Sicilian vacation! (if you are living on the lamb)
6. Italian weddings = awesome (literally buckets of rigatoni and Italian sweets)
7. Southern Italians are almost always sexy (and when they have face disfigurements because of gang-related injuries, they are even sexier)
8. The Don really, really loves his family
9. Everything gangsters say sounds so cool (admit it.)
10. My Italian relatives would secretively be proud
11. I could finally get back at that bitch Molly Gallagher for infiltrating and eventually taking over the primo cafeteria table where I had been sitting for years with her army of skanks in 1996.
12. Like any good Mafioso-wife, I go to Catholic mass and pray enough for my sins and the sins of my murderous lover
13. I already make the best spaghetti sauce with a recipe passed down from my Grandma Paceleo.
14. I appreciate “that guinzo” sense of fashion – showy, flouncy, loud clothing

Reasons this is a terrible idea:
1. There is always a legitimate concern that my boyfriend would a) die at work or b) kill people at work and have to escape to Sicily for three years
2. I don’t have a brother, so who will beat up my boyfriend when he smacks me around?
3. I bet mafia jokes get old really fast
4. Frequent family wars might get tiring (can’t everyone just get along?)
5. Wife/girlfriend beating = not cool
6. I hate hanging out in hospitals
7. I do not– nor will I ever – know how to prepare Veal Scalopini ( I don't even think I know how to spell it)
8. Worry about being judged on the hugeness of my bling rather than the content of my character
9. Boyfriend might spend too much time at whorehouses/ cheating on me
10. Become overly suspicious when people want to meet me in Italian restaurants (will I have to start frisking everyone?)
11. Constantly living in fear that the Don would call to redeem his favor
12. High levels of violence are kind of UNcool (think: chopping off someone's head)
13. I take things too personally -- it’s never just about business to me

Looks like there are more pros than cons, so if you know of a good looking single gangster, give him my digits.

AND... if you liked the movie, read the book. In the film, the story is AMAZING, the characters are AMAZING, and the book slows that down and lets you understand it at a whole new level. It was one of those rare times that I thought "I want to start this book again, right now." And fortunately, there are a bunch of other books about The Family -- waiting for me. Can't wait!