A Brief History in My Kal Penn Obsession (A Timeline)

April 23, 1977 - Kalpen Suresh Modi is born

March 21, 1984 - I am born

1991 - Kal acts in a school production of the musical "The Wiz". I learn how to write in cursive.

2004 - Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. I do not watch them, because I think the movie looks stupid. (My taste for fine film is completely unrefined at this point.)

2006 - I see Kal Penn in The Namesake and am smitten.

2007 - Obsession grows. I finally see Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and love it. I purchase the Italian version, American Trip, and cannot stop watching it.

January 2008 - I am fooled by co-workers into believing that we can interview John Cho for the site, which would have inevitably led me to the arms of Kal Penn. (I am still waiting for this to happen?)

February 2008 - I convince Doogie Howser to buy me a beer (see below) and try to get him to hook me up with his H&K co-star. (Left: me, with my NPH beer. The empty Stella bottle remains in my living room.)

Somewhere in the Spring - I hit the 1,000 mark for times I've seen American Trip.

April 25 - My supportive friend, Nikki H. accompanies me to the H&K Escape From Guantanamo Bay premiere and sprints through the streets of New York and basically beats down ass to make sure we get good seats. I have never seen her run so fast in my life. She explodes in laughter, when later, there is a flashback of Roldie as a gothy college student.

June - I try to become Kal's friend of Facebook but am denied. (Three times.)

August - I rent a bunch of lesser known Kal Pen movies, such as Ball & Chain, and while they are awful, I appreciate them in unexpected ways.

October - I write Kal Penn a heartfelt letter and send it, snail mail.

November - I post the following video on YouTube. (Long story.)

January 2009 - Friends torture me with news that Kal Penn is gay. I don't care. It's not like I'm actually going to get to hook up with him, anyway.

The ensuing months - I check my mailbox every day in hopes that I find a letter from Kal Penn. (Might I admit that sometimes it is the first thought that pops to mind when I wake up in the morning: Today Could Be The Day! ? I might.)

Present - I'm posting this letter in a final attempt to snatch his attention.

Okay so this is how crazy I am. Awhile ago, in New York City, I attended Fuerza Bruta, this incredible, while Cirque Du Soleil-esque artistic performance where the stage actually moves around the audience. There is no seating. Everyone was going all nuts because Orlando Bloom was there. But do you know why I was going nuts? Neil Patrick Harris was there. I thought I finally had a Kal Penn connection! I pretty much stalked NPH throughout the show -- he was easy to spot due to the fact that he was wearing a newsboy cap. By the end of the show, everyone gets up and dances and jumps around. I don't know if ordinarily I would have danced and jumped around, but NPH was so I did too. Afterward, at the venue bar I went up to NHP, smacked him on the arm and said "Hey! You stepped on my foot like nine times back there when we were dancing and jumping around! I think you owe me a beer!" He said: Alright. And he did. How fantastic is that? He could have told me to go away or rolled his eyes or ignored me but instead we talked and he was very kind. I finally got to my point -- the reason I had wanted to talk to him so badly. "So do you know Kal Penn?" I asked. I think he said, "Yeah, Kal Penn's my boy!" And I said "Well, next time you talk to him tell him there is a blonde vegetarian* who'd like to get veggie burgers at White Castle in New York City with him." Just then, before I could get any sort of response, my enthusiastic friend swooped in and started going all nuts about Doogie Howser and NPH seemed very turned off and sort of went away and I thought, "Okay, you've really blown it." I finished my beer and left. I'm sure he never told you and that's okay. I'm sure I seemed pretty nutty.

Every once in awhile I get this feeling of a memory of hanging out with a really good friend, a memory of a really good night. And I think... what is that? Why am I smiling? And then I realize I'm remembering the freezing cold night I saw The Namesake in the Paris Theater by myself. I was new to New York and all alone. But it was a wonderful night and I didn't feel alone then.

And I cried when I saw The Namesake, too. (I read that you cried when you read it.) I still wonder where Gogol is, where Ashima is. I wanted to know more about them. I would die if you responded to this letter. Just die.

Thank you for listening to my crazy story, anyway. Go Obama.

-Lauren

*Kal Penn is a vegetarian, too.