Poorly Made Professional Cakes Are Hilarious

I'm literally dying at this cake. Ok, so I'm clearly not dying, which makes my use of 'literally' asinine. Regardless, this cake brings me so much joy it should be illegal. Best part? It's professionally made. And I suppose I need not mention that it reads: "What's up! Gotta Go! Out of Town." I would love to know what this cake decorator had in mind with colorful clusterfuck of teen-text-y phrases.

I found this gem on one of my favorite blogs - Cake Wrecks; when professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong. The blogger, Jen, is genius. And so are the heinous cakes featured on the blog. In case you don't shit-show cakes as much as I do, she also posts beautifully done cakes on Sundays. Here is a little sample:


Fraggle Rock cake. Amazing. I will give you $12 in cash if you can find a Fraggle Rock cake better than this ($12 is all I have, sorry).

FINALLY: Princesses I Can Relate To

When I tell people I want to be a Disney Princess, they never believe me. Perhaps they think I'm kidding or that it isn't possible. Perhaps they do not know that I actually passed a series of auditions in Orlando to become the next Tinkerbell. Perhaps they think that I have nothing in common with Disney Princesses. (I think it's irresponsible to assume that Disney Princesses are able to say no to tequila shots, don't like to talk about buttcheeks, and enjoy the company of children.) Well for those haters out there, here is the pic to convince you that I DO have it in me to be a Tink or a Belle. Check out Cindy, here. That's totally me. Now we're talkin'.

Check out the rest of this fucking incredible collection of photos here.

Total Eclipse of the Heart... literally.

Words can't even explain my joy with this video. Watch it, and watch it good. Watch all of it. Especially the part about the emo kid throwing the slow motion dove.

Confused? You should be. Delighted? Hell yes.

I Can't Even Fucking Do That

WTF Lyrics: Take Me By the WHAT?

I was just thinking about how much I love Dance Hall Days, how sweetly, slickly '80's it is, when I realized I actually don't know the lyrics, and after reading the lyrics, realizing I don't get them at all:

Take your baby by the hand
And make her do a high hand stand
Take your baby

by the heel
And do the next thing that you feel

We were so in phase
In our dance hall days
We were cool on craze
When i, you, and everyone we knew
Could believe, do, and share in what was true
Oh, I said

Take your baby by the hair
And pull her close and there there there
Take your baby by the ears
And play upon her darkest fears

Repeat chorus

So take your baby by the wrist
And in her mouth an amethyst
And in her eyes two sapphires blue
And you need her and she needs you
And you need her and she needs you

Is that why I think this song is so cool -- because I have no idea wtf is going on? Is that the appeal? Maybe I'm a sucker -- Wang Chung could start singing about monkey anuses and I could be convinced that it's totally cool and normal and worthy of a song.

Also: this video CAN BE considered bomb-ass.

Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!

When your kid has just been kicked in the face by a breakdancer, Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!
<

When you faint while being interviewed on TV, Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!

When you fall smashing grapes, Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!

When you're a fuckin' idiot, Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!

I think Keyboard Cat is trying to tell me that even in life's shittiest moments, everything all just comes down to a cat playing a keyboard. So next time something sucky happens to you, just think, awww Play Her Off, Keyboard Cat!

Reward: Free Food

So my roomate "lost" (forgot) her iPod at the gym a little while ago and someone apparently stole it. Sucks, I know. At this point most schmucks would just shed a few tears, pop into the Apple store, and purchase a new (perhaps even sportier) iPod.

But not MY roommate. This proactive little housemate of mine whipped up some eye-catching signs to convince this NYSC-iPod-theif into returning the merchandise (she really hung these signs in the gym).

If it was YOU who stole the iPod, allow me to reitterate some reasons why you should return it immediately:
-This iPod is apparently "3rd gen"
-Melissa won't be mad
-The iPod illustration is urging you to


If you think this is funny... you should have seen the first draft.

*Note: I'm not a total a-hole. Roommate said I could post this.

Christmas IS pretty sexy

My co-worker Jesse gave our team a presentation on Online Trend Spotting and this graph charts Google traffic for the search terms SEX and CHRISTMAS. Obviously people have Christmas on the brain during the holiday season, but sex, too? I don't think I want to know this much about people.

You can follow Google Trends, too! It's sort of awesome.

Paul Rudd on Sesame Street

I think I already proved the point that the more round you are the more lovable. But I didn't know I could love Paul Rudd more than I already did until I saw him perfectly round. As is, as spherical as the Earth. With the added bonus of singing happily. Happy Earth Day!

Confusion About Cleveland Rocking or Sucking

Does it rock?

Or is it merely the "Perfect Place If You're A Douchebag?"

I dunno, but next time I go home, I hope I see "This Guy."

Why Is This So Funny?

Virtual Condom: Episiotomies

I had to use the word "episiotomy" in a piece I was writing on pregnancy awhile ago, and I thought: I do not want to look that up. I can just tell it's gonna be gross. But I had to. So I googled it. It was by far the most horrific google experience I have ever had, possibly for the same reason Little Children bothered men way more than women.

I am going to offer the link below, in case you are curious. Which I'm assuming you are now? But I'm warning you. If you click it and throw up or something, do not blame me. Not only is there a cringe-worthy description, there is an image so graphic that I am positive your gut reaction will be, whether you have a vagina or not, to X the box away as quickly as you can. That is what I did. I was thinking am I going to get in trouble for looking at this page at work?

But then I remembered where I work.

And I refreshed the page and read it.

No really, you need to know what your mom did for you. Here is the link.

I immediately called up my mother, a bit outraged. "Mom, did you have an episiotomy?"

"Yeah, most people do."

"Why did you not tell me about this? Why did you not complain?"

"Oh please, you just do it."

"You just let someone cut your vagina open with SCISSORS and then stitch it back up?"

"Yes."

And that is the thing. They just do it and don't whine. But this is a big deal to me. I am not okay with this. Thanks, mom! Can I get you a coffee or anything?

Guys, Mother's Day is in 26 days. I'm just saying.

Another Virtual Condom: Screaming Children

The first rule of Cagematch

is you do not talk about cagematch.*

*I worked with baby photos all day. I couldn't help myself.

you butt <3 NY?

Today was one of the few perfect spring days of the year and I got to looking at photos I took in the city when I first moved to New York. Here are some of them. Sorry this is so cheesy. 

A shot of Coney Island last summer during the Siren Music Festival. We drank big beers and visited a booth giving away vaginal contraceptives that work like those mint strips that dissolve in your mouth. The Cyclone gave me neck pain for three days. 

Inside the New York magazine lobby. I snuck this photo when I went in for a job interview.

My friend and I parked our bikes in Red Hook somewhere near the Ikea. He went to go pee in a bush while I looked at cloud shapes.

Manhattan Bridge, my favorite bridge in my favorite park in NY.

Taken on the roof of the Met in the fall. You see a lot of walking feet in this place.

"You Wanna Have Fun and Be a Race Car Driver? Then Just Sign up For the Military!"

If you've been to the movies recently, you've surely been violated by the ridiculously loud, aggressive, and non-sensical Kid Rock ad that they play during the previews, a video entitled "Warrior," where Kid Rock assures you that everyone calls him Warrior (lie), tells you to join the military, and juxtaposes the Revolutionary war with Iraq and Afghanistan (awesome.) I haven't seen this sort of propaganda in the United States... ever? Maybe? Maybe I just haven't been paying attention. Or maybe it takes someone obnoxious like Kid Rock to make me realize I am being indoctrinated. Anyway, I watched the video sort of thinking "WTF," but this YouTube video includes some kind of funny commentary, totally clearing up Rock's message and this warrior-ed-ness. Yes, it sort of hurts my ears (there is plenty of screaming. Hello -- warriors scream a lot), but it's way awesomer than the original.

Virtual Condom: Screaming Children

Every morning when I come to work, I take off my "inappropriate, irresponsible, single girl" hat and put on my "mommy world" hat. I hate when people use that expression about the hats, by the way. But you know, at work I am constantly reading and writing about motherhood and parenting, and getting feedback from moms. The process is NOT making me want to have kids. I often stumble upon something so horrific -- whether it's about some weird pregnancy thing or moms' sacrifices, whatever -- that I actually call my mom in the middle of the day and say, "Holy shit, mom! Did you have to do this, too? Did you have an episiotomy? Did you not have enough time to yourself to take a pee in private when I was a toddler? Did you have to give up your career dreams to become a mom?" Because that is what I'm hearing. And usually, she is like, "yes," and she doesn't seem too pissed about it. And that is the scariest thing of all -- she's not bothered. Why not? Why aren't mothers rioting against the injustice!? I think I'm going to start posting about motherhood, and what you see may shock you, unless you're a mom. If you're a mom, you'll be like, "no big deal." But it is a big deal. So while partially I am using these posts as a form of birth control, (disclaimer: This post is not ACTUALLY A CONDOM. It will just make you think twice before not using one.) I am also doing them to honor moms and the crazy shit they did so that we could grow up and run away from them and give them a terribly unthoughtful Mother's Day gift. (That is so not me, but I know it happens.)

Today's installment of "Virtual Condom" is this lovely video:

Neimann Marcus Commercial

Those poor innocent clouds. Raided and turned inside out for the sake of fashion. I know it's supposed to be cute but it kind of makes me want to join PETA.

Ummm... I Still Think He Has Pretty Eyes?

Just released today: a 74-year-old evil, balding, graying, swastika-ed prison photo of Charles Manson. In defense of my previous "Charles Manson is hot" claims, I'd like to point out that the man you see above is more attractive than several other geezers: Robert DuVall, MeatLoaf (who is a spry 61 year old), and Grandpa Simpson.

This Is Why I Don't Eat Animals

They showed this video on the Today Show to the tune of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and as I sat there watching it, with tears in my eyes, my heart swelling (for real), I thought, "Wow this song really sucks and is taking away from my enjoyment of this very amazing moment. I hope they don't play this crappy song in the YouTube version." Good news: they don't!!! But they chose an arguably crappier song. I'm not really sure, it's hard to compare. I must say though, this song is so bad that it makes this moment almost extra hilarious. Listen for yourself. I had tears in my eyes as I watched it again. Damn, I love animals.

Reasons Why Eric* Is Gross

This could go on forever. 

*Also known as Wehrli