Why Disney World Kicks Ass #7: It's Effing Scary

When I tell people I love Disney World but have never been to Universal Studios, which is merely miles away, they often say, "Why don't you go to Universal? The rides are way scarier." Duh. There isn't anything less scary than The Hall of the Presidents. But I'm not going for scary. I'm going for awesomeness and wonder and hot French waiters, and you know, if you've been reading these posts.

But every time I go on the Rock 'n Roller Coaster I think I am going to have a heart attack. It goes from zero to like 90 mph in quarter of a second -- but what's scarier is the speaker next to your ear blasting a wailing Steven Tyler -- "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK N ROLL?" (It's an Aerosmith-themed ride.) So after all the scary stuff, you listen to "Dude Looks Like A Lady" and go through some fast and fun, but pretty tame flips and dips.

Then you go see the photo they took while they were blasting your socks off and see how stupidly scared you were.

Why Disney World Kicks Ass #6: Flowers That Are Not Boring and Sucky

I didn't used to give a shit about flowers. They die. They're expensive. I don't like carrying them around. I generally don't enjoy spending hours looking at them. And I feel people often buy them for people without much thought. Ex: "My girlfriend is mad at me so I'd better buy her some goddam flowers."

But to see the flowers at the Disney World International Flower and Garden Festival in Epcot is to see Eden on Earth. They will make you give a shit about flowers if you don't already. The flower displays are so colorful they are almost cartoonish, and the topiaries Blow My Mind. The festival runs until May, my favorite month to go to Disney World because:

1) By this time of the year, I have endured months of shitty weather in the god-forsaken mess the North East becomes during the winter, it is a pleasant surprise to remember what the sun looks like and to see a bunch of bright, happy flowers.
2) There aren't a lot of children because hello: what kind of lame-ass parents take their kids out of school right before it ends? The last few weeks are when all the fun stuff happens -- plays, parties, etc. Cool parents yank their kids out of school in the middle of the school year, when it is shitty and hard.
3) It's not hot or humid enough yet that I have to take off my pants in the middle of "It's A Small World." Yet.

I love the Flower Festival so much that I'm going back at the end of April, but this time with my good pal Uncle Rico. (!!!) I have this image of us floating through my mind -- the two of us holding hands and galloping around the daisies and snap-dragons. And it will be so very beautiful! And awe-inspiring! And memorable! And we will be drunk.

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #5: Dance Party!

Why can't the real world be like this:

During Magic Kingdom after hours, when the park is open until sometimes 1 AM, "Dance Party!" sprouts up all over the park -- the closest thing to a kiddie night club, complete with spinning deejay, flashing lights, and dance floor. I am obsessed. The one in Fantasy Land, for example, has a Little Mermaid theme, so there are wild Under the Sea decorations and people dressed in cartoonish fish costumes busting moves on the dance floor. (In this way, it is sort of like a Flaming Lips concert.) The music, I have to admit, is pretty bad. (They obviously love Hannah Montana and techno versions of Disney classics, but I do enjoy the occasional oldies and mo-town). But when Mom and I have just knocked back a few drinks, I find myself getting really into it.

One problem: I don't know if you've ever noticed, but little kids are sucky dancers. They just kind of sway or jump up and down or the really annoying ones run as fast as they can in circles screaming. That is not dancing. So my more refined dance techniques really stick out (as long as the little kids stay out of my way, which they sometimes do not.) I hope those kids are taking notes.

If mom is drunk enough, she will twist, but most of the time I am on my own. Except for one time, pictured here, where I think a Magic Kingdom janitor felt bad that I was by myself and came up and started dancing with me. (Although, in Disney World, employees aren't called janitors, they are called "cast members" because they are kind of like actors in a big play that is Disney World). We had so much fun I thought I'd never stop laughing.

I think Dance Party! should be implemented all over the country and possibly the world. I want to be able to just stop what I'm doing for a few minutes and go all nuts. It would make me a better, happier person. I'm going to try to have it become company policy at work. Required Dance Party! I don't think it's too much to assume, either, that Dance Party! could bring world peace.

Pixar Knows: Chubbyness For the Win!

The full-length trailer for Pixar's new movie Up came out last weekend. So many Cute Factors in one movie! Puppy! Balloons! And my personal favorite, a Chubby Character. In Up, it's this little boy, but previous Pixar tubbies include Emile from Ratatouille (dutifully eating a piece of cheese here), and to his left, one of the fat humans from Wall-E. Even though the point of the obese humans in Wall-E was to point out our depravity, it really just ended up being cute. Proving, once again, that chubbyness wins.

Other, non Pixar chubby things that are cute -- babies!

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #4: Kitsch

I've never been to Hawaii and I don't want to go because I fear that it won't be nearly as awesome as the Polynesian Resort in Disney World. I mean, if you are going to go with the luau theme, it has to be so ridiculously over-the-top. (Hawaii, I fear, is probably too much like actual Hawaii.) With tiki culture, you can't go half-way. That is why Disney got it right: They go all out with kitsch.

The Polynesian embraces tiki-culture in every square inch of the property, which includes almost 800 rooms in "Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii"-esque long houses, a white sand beach, tiki torches and music that line the walk ways, a volcano water slide, a "Great Ceremonial House", waterfalls, over 75 species of exotic plant life, and hula dancers. They aren't subtle about anything and seem comfortable with exploiting blatant stereotypes about Polynesian natives.

Disney doesn't stop there. They embrace television sitcom kitsch, outer space kitsch, carnival kitsch, old Hollywood kitsch, Western kitsch ... thinking about it all actually has me second-guessing the actual definition of kitsch in the first place, and now I'm sort of just thinking the entire park is one big Land-O-Kitsch. I don't go to Disney World for subtleties, to stay in a Marriot, to eat food without being entertained by fire swallowers or country western dancers, or to drink cocktails with less than 30 umbrellas/swords/crazy straws in them. I go to Disney World to be wowed and they deliver every single time.

Is Mickey a Racist?

My friend wrote this hilarious round up of the 9 Most Racist Disney Characters. I don't think we can get mad at Disney for these inappropriate representations of minorities, but we can LAUGH at them now, and the fact that they slipped through the cracks, because come on, life is funny. I thought about blogging about this at work, wondering how moms might tell their kids while watching Dumbo, "now hunny, not all black people are unemployed and unable to speak in grammatically correct sentences," but then I realized it is not necessary to point this out to children. Nobody explained it to me, and I turned out fine. I didn't even pick up on it, at the time. Was I just stupid? Could this be damaging to children in any way?

The last, and most hilarious character mentioned is actually The Mouse Himself -- but I think it's wrong to label poor Mickey a racist. He really is just kind of dumb.

"Let me see. A genuine African native," Mickey murmured. "Perhaps I should start showing him off."

Stop embarrassing yourself, Mickey.

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #2: Hot French Waiters

In EPCOT, (THEEXPERIMENTALPROTOTYPECOMMUNITYOFTOMORROW, in case you were wondering) 11 countries are represented in World Showcase with pavillions where you can eat, drink, and party authentically (or inauthentically in an adorable, kitchy way) in the country you are visiting. Each country is unique (The Japanese women always accuse me of shop lifting, and the Moroccon boys try to get me to party in Orlando with them after hours -- more on that later) and the France Pavilion is special in the awesomest way of all -- the waiters in the French Restaurant, Bistro de Paris, are almost always mind-blowingly hot, in that lip-biting, holy-shit, OMGTHEYARESOHOTTHEYMIGHTBEGAY?, European kind of way.

Although their English is horrible and I rarely have any idea what on earth they are saying, I look forward to them bringing me little plates of cheese and carding me for my glasses of wine. (Tip: Don't ask them for band-aids, they have no idea what that word means. But fine, conversation is not important when love is in the air -- only eye contact is necessary.)

I always ask them where they are from, and if they've gotten the chance to travel while visiting the United States. I used to stop at asking if they've visited New York, urging a trip a.s.a.p. to "the best city in the world!" (which I'm sure, as any good Frenchie would, they all bitterly disagree and are convinced that everything sucks except for Paris. I know this. My Parisian friend from high school -- affectionately nicknamed "Frenchie" -- told me so.) But now I've gotten more bold in my conversation. Soon I'm sure I'll be leaving them keys to my apartment and saying "stop on by whenever! I've got an enormous bed!"

I find it deliciously ironic that the only picture I could find of the Hot French Waiters was this one -- where everything is crystal clear EXCEPT FOR THE HOT FRENCH WAITER. So you'll have to just go and see for yourself. Voulex-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Why Disney World Kicks Ass Reason #1: It’s Good For Your Imagination

I was 5 the first time I went to Disney World (the perfect age, according to me), and I distinctly remember exactly what I was thinking as I set sail to the Pirates of the Caribbean, the indoor boat ride that takes you through a Caribbean town being ransacked by sex-craving, drunk, pillaging pirates. Wait a second… how could you not love this ride? (Especially since a 2006 addition of a Johnny Depp animatronic doll who looks so real I practically jumped out of the boat and begged him to sleep with me the first time I saw him.)

But back to when I was five. I thought, as our boat eased into the waters and drifted past the backdrop of an endless Caribbean sea: “How did they get the whole ocean into this ride?”* I would kill to have that excitement again, that wonder, that amazement. I have my moments when I do – when I’m looking at stars, sometimes, or thinking about how much ass a T-Rex could probably kick, but Disney World brings this magic to millions of people every day. For one sweet moment, these kids are in pirate land. Where else are they made this offer?

Pirates of the Caribbean isn’t the only place that offers this kind of magic. Pretty much every single corner of the entire property (which is, by the way, twice the size of the island of Manhattan) has been painstakingly designed by teams of “Imagineers” who plan out sights, smells, sounds, and uses of space that leave you feel like you are anywhere but central Florida. You feel like you’re in the caves of the South West, you feel like you’re on a rocket in space, you feel like you’re dining beneath an Aztec Pyramid, you feel like you’re fleeing from dinosaurs.

I see boys running around in raccoon caps and girls spinning in princess dresses and hats. They look just like I did (I had one of those pink princess hats!) on my first visit. Some things, like girls wearing princess hats, boys wearing raccoon caps, should never change. At work, I hear about little girls obsessed with going to the salon and worrying that they’re too fat and idolizing over-sexed pop stars. In Disney World, they escape this real world and get to run around on a way larger-than-life playground all day, where every single thing was created to make them feel magical.

Omg, I’m getting teary eyed. More later.

*I’ve since learned that the sky line is an illusion and the pirates are animatronics, making the Pirates of the Caribbean slightly — only slightly — less enjoyable.