Shit My Mom Says

This just in from the Parenting experts: Moms cheat more on their man the day after Mother's Day than on any other day of the year.

Blogs are all abuzz about this news, but I'm really not that surprised.

As I've said before, I work for a parenting website and fully understand the gravity of this holiday. If you fuck it up by not honoring mom correctly, you're doing the kind of damage that requires months of therapy sessions.

When I was a little girl, I said to my mom, "Mom, there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day. Why isn't there a Kid's day?"

She fucking whipped her head around and said in one of those harsh, devil-mom voices, "Every day is Kid's Day." She was totally right, and it was the first time I realized what a big deal this holiday is. Moms may pretend like it's no big deal (but have you ever noticed, the sort of don't act like it's no big deal?) but they take it very seriously. As they should. I haven't done a FRACTION of a FRACTION of the selfless things moms do every day for their kids. (But, I must admit, now that I’m not technically a "kid" anymore, and I’m not a mother or father, I'd like a day of my own.)

Anyway, to cover my ass this Mamma's Day, I have compiled a list of the greatest advice and how-to's my mother ever gave me. Thanks, mom!

Don't mix drinks Before I was old enough to drink, I remember her New Year's Resolution: Drink MORE vodka. This makes her sound nuts but it's actually really responsible advice. If you drink more vodka, you'll probably drink less beer and have less-excruciating hangovers. Probably.

The Eye Roll In my early school days, I was nerdy and almost friendless (I blame this on the suspenders/clip on tie/ kangol hat outfits I wore, which were my mother's fault in the first place -- I mean why did she let me out of the house like that?). But when girls were really mean to me -- really cruel as girls can sometimes be -- she told me not to say a word but to roll my eyes at them. That, she said, is way more powerful than anything you can say, and it won't get you riled up. I noticed it drove the LiLo's of my elementary school ca-razy.

Kissing ass isn't bullshit, it's practical Every year at Christmas time, my mom leaves a six-pack of beer and a card for our garbage collectors out with our trash cans. She then glues herself to the front window until they drive by to pick up the garbage, and then see (and joyfully accept) their gifts. My mom treats everyone well. It's smart to be nice to people in your life, like the garbage man. You never know when he's going to be able to help you. (Another nice thing would be for me to stop calling him the "Garbage Man", which is like one step above calling him "Poo Captain".) This is also related to more advice my mom gave me: always do the extra credit.

Don't date the townies It was the only parting advice she gave me when she dropped me off in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania for college.

If you're feeling shitty, buy something Extra points if it's glittery or bright pink.

You're never too old to love Disney World In fact, Disney World is better when you're an adult. When I take over the place, I'm banishing anyone under 5 years old. (And if you want a wheelchair, you're going to have to pass some sort of "DISABLED TEST". But that's another story.)

The positive effects of swearing, and, specifically having a trademark swear word. Hers: mother FUCKER!!! And calling un-courteous drivers "ass wipes"

Talking or trying to get anything done really doesn't make any sense until you've had 18 cups of coffee Thanks a lot, mom. I've been pretty much addicted since birth. Aren't you supposed to halt your caffeine addiction when you're pregnant?

Get dressed up for everything When my mom picks me up from the Cleveland Airport, everyone looks like shit. They're all wearing Crocs and have deep pantal wedgies (that they don't even seem to notice.) But then I see my mom, she's always wearing a cute patterned, pastel skirt and blouse, with a bright jacket, gloves, a tiny purse and pears. And I am so proud that she is picking up me and that I am her daughter.

And finally, the most important advice of all, one that she has pounded into my brain for as long as I can remember:

Don't murder anyone in Texas

She also taught me how to:

• Make huevos rancheros
• Drive backwards really fast
• Determine the entire plotline of a Lifetime movie after watching the first 3 minutes
• Say "Look at my butt" in Italian
• Eat Taco Bell bean burritos while driving a stick shift car

Thanks mom! Your efforts toward rearing me into a bean burrito eating, dressed-up eye roller did not go unrecognized. Don't cheat on Dad or murder anyone or run away, okay?!