My Lesbian Costume

Due to a string of unprecedented events, I was reduced to wearing the following on my flight back from Miami: skinny jeans, running shoes, and my black work blazer. Running the risk of sounding politically incorrect (I love being politically incorrect), I felt like I looked like a lesbian. Which isn't fair, I know. Blame it on culture and stereotypes and me being an asshole and whatever, but the brief heel-and-skirt hiatus made me look and feel like a totally different person.

"I feel like a lesbian right now," I told my mom on the phone as I waited for my flight, in a much deeper, louder voice than normal, slouched in my chair with my legs kicked up on my suitcase. Also, I had not combed my hair all day. Ever since I had started wearing my new costume, my attitude had changed. I was more aggressive in line getting my lunch, I wasted less time primping and making sure my skirt wasn't tucked into my thong (this is a huge time-suck for me, under normal circumstances.) I spent less time bullshitting around and did what I wanted to do all day.

As I started explaining this to my mom, I realized I wasn't really acting like a lesbian at all (whatever that means,) I was acting like a total dick. Or maybe just like a guy. I quickly became ashamed that it even crossed my mind that blazer/uncombed hair/running shoes = lesbian. Just as quickly, I realized that none of the gay women I know would necessarily wear a blazer and running shoes with skinny jeans. It was then I had my Full House, "kids-we're-learning-something-about-each-other" moment, complete with sappy background music, and I thought about how all stereotypes seem offensively wrong when you actually know the people being pigeon-holed. So, per usual, my inner dialogue ended up concluding: we are all the same, praise Jesus, etc., etc.

But I also started thinking that there are (for better or worse) fewer stereotypes for gay women than gay men.

I've wasted hours of my life listening to people debating "is he gay? His voice is too high! But he has a horrible sense of fashion!" There are so many gay man stereotypes that practically any guy could be considered gay for a moment or two, and there it takes more than one or two qualities to seal the deal. I don't hear as many people debating whether people are lesbians or not. I think most people are more comfortable putting lesbians into neat categories: Is she butch? Sporty? Adrogynous? Pick one!

If we're going to have fun with stereotypes, though, and if I were to switch teams, I'm sure I'd be a lipstick lesbian, which Urban Dictionary defines as a "feminine lesbian who is attracted to other feminine lesbians." The article then goes on to report that "they generally enjoy fashion, flowers, perfume, sex and the city, lingerie, lipstick of course, and (gasp!) passionate sex with other women."

But you can't assume lipstick lesbians are only attracted to other lipstick lesbians. I'm pretty sure my type is like Ashley Merriman from Top Chef:

I like her because she is the total opposite of me -- very chill, badass, secretively smart, and understated. I have watched Ashley pan fry soft shell crabs and thought, "maybe I am a lesbian." I think a lot of girls think about this, but then when it actually comes to the thought of sex, straight girls realize, "wow, no. I am definitely into guys."

Ever since that trip back from Miami, I've daydreamed of wearing my lesbian costume again. I picture myself as a more confident, funny, relaxed person, in absolute comfort and making serious headway at work. But here I sit, wearing my high heels and a pretty uncomfortable dress. And that's just me, and who I am and I don't think that's going to change and that's okay. Because maybe, just maybe Ashley Merriman is into lipstick lesbians. And if she is, I'll be waiting. (In heels.)