12 Shitty PR Pitches

Since I work in media, I get approximately 50 PR pitches every day from terrible companies that want me to feature their products on the site I work for. The e-mails I get are boring, poorly written, and grammatically incorrect. I don't know where -- or if -- these people went to school, or if they're just holed up inside their parents' basements pounding away letters about bizarre toys and books and totally unnecessary products for pregnant women. (Someone just sent me a whole box of Mother's Tranquil Tummy Crackers -- "soothing saltine crackers for morning sickness." As in... they are just regular saltine crackers. In a box with a pregnant woman on them. I refused to taste them but when I shook them in the box they sounded like rocks.)

Here are a few of the worst of the worsts. Click on the images to enlarge.

I could have used a little explanation for this one. I don't recall taking any time for Cameron Quinn, I have no idea what she's talking about, I'll never be "getting back to it," and I don't want any videos. BLESSINGS!


I prefer that my Suicide Parties be in Ho-Down form.



I'm trying to stay with you, here. So bad economy = unemployment = more people getting pregnant = they all need to go on spa vacations. But when people are unemployed doesn't that mean they have less money to spend on stupid shit like Mommy Spa Packages?


This came from my coworker, Jess. This guy didn't even send her an e-mail, he forwarded her an e-mail he sent to Parents magazine, our #1 competition in the mag world. Also, click here to see the video he is dying to share with us. Nothing could make an old guy singing about coughing into your elbow cool, but the fact that this GEEZER is TRYING TO RAP makes it even more painfully out of touch.



Dear Orphan star Isabelle Fuhrman,

Thanks for making me almost shit my pants while watching your scary-ass movie. I am still convinced you are the Anti-Christ, I would never wear anything you wore, and I can barely look at a picture of you without wanting to hide my head in my armpit.

Nice try,
Lauren

This is from Ann Noder, a PR prez who e-mails me pizzazz-less, uninspired pitches about pointless "mompreneur" mommy products and self-published books every day. I have replied dozens of times asking her to stop -- she never pitches anything good -- but she keeps on going strong. Obviously, I assumed this meant she was a robot, and her self portrait on her website either supports or undermines this:

Click to enlarge!

This person sent me 5 e-mails and left me God knows how many voice mails. Mentioning that you e-mailed me and called me before does not make me want to pay attention to your e-mail. It makes me think you are super way annoying.


Click to enlarge!

This is for the Girltrunks, "swim shorts and tops impeccably, yet conservatively, countoured to a woman's shape" [sic]:

You may think they were made for Mormon people, but I think they were just made for stupid people -- stupid people who don't know they just paid a buttload of cash for a pair of waterproof shorts. No good PR pitch can save a product like girltrunks.

The people at Juno Baby have decided to go paparazzi all over (some lesser-known actress named) Tia Carrere's little girl, whose parents were just divorced. Apparently little Bianca has been dragging the doll around in her moments of post-divorce despair, making the Juno Baby the ... come on everybody, say it together: BEST TOY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the pic they attached:

Yes you did send me your invention. I gave it to my friend's dog. You haven't heard back from me? Yes? What's your question? And I'm sure you would be interested to speak to me about the Clingy Cord, but I could tell it sucked and is the exact opposite of a must-have. Don't send me any more stuff.


When I get an e-mail pitching a crappy product like Oobees, my enthusiasm level is already at an all time low. You have to at least act like you are so excited about your product that you are about to shit your pants. Try to trick me into thinking you have a great product. When you start off ordering me to...

Slip into the comfort of Oobees. These all-terrain slippers are great to wear around the house, and with their durable soles you can wear them to school, shopping and around town. Email back to receive images for your new products sections. We can also provide Oobees for giveaways and fun contests.

...imagine that I am now ten times more bored than you are boring. And that's a lot.