The New York City Marathon finished on Sunday, and per usual, there are a bunch of nerds still walking around with their medals on their necks, to show off to everyone that they finished the race. (I saw two today. Today is Tuesday, FYI.) This always bothers me, and I make sure to avoid eye contact with these people. I don't want to encourage this kind of douchey behavior.
This made me realize that we need a Douchebag Calculator, so I calculated a simple formula that will help you determine how douchey you are. Follow these easy steps:
1) Run the New York City Marathon
2) Calculate your place number in the race
3) Calculate the number of days you wore your metal around your neck. (The day of the marathon is 1, the day after is 2, etc.)
4) Multiply those two numbers. You have your D-Bag Number.
Example: I ran the New York City Marathon two years ago. And guess what? The medal never even touched my neck. I don't even know what happened to it. I'm so goddam humble that I didn't even want to wear the foil cape they offer runners when they pass the finish line, to protect them from the cold, because I didn't want to stand out. So my D-bag level is:
I am not a douche bag.
This system is totally fair, because even Meb Keflezighi, who came in first in 2009, isn't free from douchebagedness. Say he was to wear the medal for 43,235 days. His douchebag level would be 43,235, because he got first place. In the same vein, Ann Gaus, who placed 43,235th , would receive the same score if she wore her medal for one day.
Now consult the list below to see where you fall on the Tapestry of D-bags.
101-500 A sack of douche
501-1,000 Minor in Douchbaggery
1,001-10,000 Senor Douche, M.D.
10,001-100,000 Douche-O-Ramma
100,001-500,000 Douche Tsunami
500,001 + President of Planet Douche
So go ahead, calculate the levels of yourself, your friends, and your Grandma. If you haven't run the marathon yet, you're not a douchebag, you're just fucking lazy. Get a move on, and run the race, even if it's only to determine this very important calculation. I heard that companies are going to start asking for it on job applications.
